CE Focusing Blog

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INTEREST AREA: CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP

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By Kathy McGuire, June 14, 2008 12:27 pm

Interest Areas: Seven Places To Start Practice Groups !!!

The Interest Areas under “Is This You” at The Creative Edge Focusing website (www.cefocusing.com ) give the First Ten Steps you might take to bring the model of Listening/Focusing into seven whole different areas of living: Organizations, Support Groups and Communities, Relationships, Parenting, Education, Spiritual Communities, and Helping Professions (psychotherapy, counselling, medicine, body work, etc.).

I am introducing you to each of these Interest Areas and possible First Steps so that you might start a Listening/Focusing practice group in any of these areas.

INTEREST AREA: CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP

Below you will find the Introduction to the Conscious Relationships Interest Area at www.cefocusing.com . Just as one might undertake an ongoing, disciplined “practice” in yoga or meditation or piano or public speaking, I suggest that we turn the same kind of “conscious, disciplined practice” to our intimate relationships and friendships. Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, the Listening/Focusing Partnership Exchange skills, makes the perfect tool for growing through The Way of Relationship:

The Way of Relationship

Intimate relationships can be seen as a spiritual path, The Way of Relationship. Relationships can be a self-therapy. Relationships will point up your “blind spots” or “shadow sides” more effectively (or shall I say more quickly, anyway!) than psychotherapy.

The Way of Relationship can be practiced between lovers. The experiences of empathy which arise during the exchange of Listening/Focusing turns lead to increased emotional and physical intimacy.

The Way of Relationship can also be practiced between friends or in a spiritual or other community. The experiences of empathy, of individual uniqueness as well as common humanity common in Listening/Focusing Exchanges, can be a spiritual experience of the love called Agape, or Buber’s “I-Thou” vs. “I-It” relationship.

Harville Hendrix’ book, Getting The Love You Want, was an early one stating that it’s okay for your relationship to be “therapy.” We are attracted to people who have the capacity to heal us in some way, to move us on our journey toward wholeness. Hendricks calls it The Imago, a kind of template of the kind of person needed for your healing. Ideally, you will find a person enough like your parent to offer the experiences needed for healing but also capable of going through this healing journey with you . At www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com , you will find more books and training programs connecting you to a network of people, through Imago Relationships International, who are committed to conscious relationship.

Gay and Kathleen Hendricks’ book, Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment, names the bedrock of good relationship as complete, absolute, and utter honesty at all times. This book and their many other books and workshops through the Hendricks Institute, www.hendricks.com , give many concrete techniques and practices for conscious relationship.

Although there are many wonderful, established programs for Conscious Relationship such as the two above, Intuitive Focusing, as aided by Focused Listening, is the missing link in almost every program, the one thing that is usually not taught but makes all the difference in terms of whether people actually succeed in the programs or not.

Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, used in Focusing Partnerships and Interpersonal Focusing, are the bedrock self-help skills which provide a way through. They help you to stick with it when buttons get pushed. They tell you how to mine the treasure in “confrontations.” These are really confrontations with your own shadow side– the parts of yourself you can’t see – the positive aspects you devalue as well as negative aspects you do not want to accept.

The goal for everyone is “wholeness,” the integration of positive and negative shadow aspects, and we choose friends and partners who will push us toward wholeness.

Love Relationships

Perhaps there is no more important place for the use of Empathic Listening and Experiential Focusing skills than in love relationships.

When we “fall in love,” we are drawn to something in the Other that intrigues and fascinates us—CLICK HERE TO GO TO INTEREST AREA: CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP AT OUR WEBSITE AND READ ON, INCLUDING FIND THE FIRST TEN STEPS FOR BRINGING LISTENING/FOCUSING INTO INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS.

Go to Core Concept: Intimate Relationship to find a complete Mini-Course on increasing emotional and sexual intimacy.

Tell me what you think at cefocusing@gmail.com or comment on this blog below !

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Diversity Training, personality differences | conflict resolution, Diversity Training, Empathic Listening, Empathy, Focused Listening, Gendlin's Focusing, Getting A Felt Sense, Gifts Differing, harmonious relationships, individual differences, Interactive Focusing, Interpersonal Focusing, interpersonal problem solving, Intuitive Focusing, Keirsey Temperament Sorter, MBTI, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, peace making, personality tests, Please Understand Me, Third-Person Facilitators

relationships | closeness, communication, Conscious Loving, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, Getting The Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, Imago, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing, The Way of Relationship

DIVERSITY TRAINING 2: FOCUSED LISTENING AND THE ENNEAGRAM — MEETING YOUR SHADOW SIDE

Comments (3)

By Kathy McGuire, April 28, 2008 6:58 pm

DIVERSITY TRAINING: UNDERSTANDING PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES

Within this strand on Interpersonal Focusing, I am going to place the emphasis upon Personality Style Instruments, coupled with Empathic, Focused Listening, as a method for Diversity Training within organizations.

Listening/Focusing Turns To Increase Empathy

Besides educational material and workshop experiences typical of Diversity Training workshops, Round-Robin Listening/Focusing partnership turns in small groups can provide a safe place for co-workers to come to understand each other’s experience.

As Intuitive Focuser, one person “senses into” and articulates their experience in terms of ageism, sexism, racism, or their MBTI or Enneagram style, in a personal way. As empathic Focused Listener, the person next to them uses Focused Listening to “say back,” simply reflecting their understanding of the other’s words, learning to set aside judgment and prejudice and concentrate only on hearing how it is for the other person, their inner world.

Turns can proceed around the circle, each person having 10-20 minutes as Focuser and then as Listener for the next Focuser. Empathic understanding, a deeper form of change than any educational information, is the natural outcome of such exchanges.

Visit my blog Learning Listening/Focusing Partnership and look at the top for link to a free download of Chapter Three from my self-help manual, Focusing in Community (Focusing en Comunidad), which gives explicit instructions for exchanging Listening/Focusing turns. Order the complete Self-Help Package for only $39, including the manual, CDs with Complete Focusing Instructions, and DVD demonstrations of Focused Listening.

Understanding Personality Differences Can Bridge The Gap

We tend to think of Diversity Training as coming to understand “the other side” in terms of gender, ethnic, and age differances. However, exposing co-workers to understandings of differing personality and leadership styles can loosen their prejudices and broaden their appreciation of all kinds of different people.

For instance, while 60-70% of males score as Thinkers on the Myers-Briggs (MBTI), that leaves 30-40% of females who are also Thinkers, having this in common with the opposite gender. Same for the 30-40% of males who score as Feelers on the MBTI — sharing their experience as Feelers can bridge the gender gap.

The goal-oriented, organized Judging type can come to understand the creativity, spontaneity, and playfulness of the Perceiving type whom they have only judged as “irresponsible.” The Extrovert can come to understand the Introvert’s need for quiet escape during lunchtime and after work. Click here for Week One: Myers-Briggs and Keirsey Temperament Sorter for links to informal tests of these dimensions.

The Enneagram: Looking At Your Shadow Side

While the MBTI stresses the positive, our “differing gifts,” The Enneagram also helps us to take a brave look at our shadow side, our personal demon, and the motivations driving us. There are nine basic personality types, refined by degree of interaction with the other types. One author names them as 1.The Reformer, 2.The Helper, 3.The Motivator, 4.The Artist, 5.The Thinker, 6.The Loyalist, 7.The Generalist, 8.The Leader, and 9.The Peacemaker. However, complexities involve leaning toward one”wing” or the other and passing into a different type when ideal vs. under stress, etc.

My favorite new website for great insight into the Enneagram is by Dr. Mary Bast, long-time coach and Enneagram expert. Here is her introductory description from www.breakoutofthebox.com :

“What is the Enneagram?
The Enneagram is a practical psychological system that describes nine different views of the world. Each of us has a central way to make sense of reality, a set of personality patterns that help us cope but also narrow our perceptions. If you’re not sure which of the nine worldviews is yours, click Personality Test on the right, but take the results of any test as tentative. I can help you confirm your Enneagram style and your blind spots as well as your gifts.”

Her website includes descriptions of the nine personality styles, charts showing the basic needs driving each style, the different variations within each style, and the interaction between them. A free PDF download gives a quick summary along many dimensions derived from a variety of Enneagram theorists.

Bast includes Claudio Naranjo’s naming of the nine styles and their “Driving Force and Development Need,” their “shadow side” in need of transformation.They are:

1. The Idealist: Anger
2. The Mentor: Pride
3. The Star: Vanity
4. The Innovator: Envy
5. The Synthesizer: Hoarding
6. The Partner: Fear of Fear
7. The Futurist: Gluttony
8. The Advocate: Lust/Excess
9. The Diplomat: Indolence

Notice, for instance, that the 9.Diplomat, who may pride themselves on being the ultimate Peacemaker and harmonizer, has a “shadow-side” of Indolence, laziness, lack of engagement in living, loss of self-development in giving over to the opinions of others, not having an “opinion.”

The 8. Advocate, seeing herself as fighting for the rights of all underdogs, has a “shadow side” of Lust/Excess.

Which are you? What is your shadow-side? How about your boss, co-workers, family members?

You can find out at www.breakoutofthebox.com . Bast includes many case examples from her life-time of coaching experience, showing some light-hearted ways to deal with one’s shadow side. For instance, an 8. Leader, who scares and overwhelms her staff with her overly assertive and confrontive style, is asked to hand out squirt guns to her staff at meetings so they can let her know when she becomes over-bearing.

Descriptive essays, and, best of all for me, poems by many authors help capture the “gist,” the “intuitive feel” of each personality style. Spend an hour or so on her site, and you will find yourself, your family, your coworkers exactly captured.
There are a variety of theorists with somewhat differing “takes” on The Enneagram. Riso’s book, Discover Your Personality Type: The New Enneagram Questionnaire (Houghton Mifflin, 1995) provides a simple description and test for exploring your Enneagram profile. However, Helen Palmer’s work with the Enneagram can lead to somewhat different results. Again, try several tests and see what you learn:
www.enneagramspectrum.com (free quiz, good articles like “Enneagram Styles As Personality Paradigms”)
www.enneagraminstitute.com (Riso and Hudson; free and paid tests; lots of info)
www.enneagramworldwide.com (Palmer; $10 test; lots of info)
www.similarminds.com (lots of free Enneagram-based informal tests; test combining Enneagram and MBTI)
www.pulsarnet.com/cw (Great Enneagram Handbook download, showing how each style would “cross a river”; lots on Conscious Relationship as well)
www.breakoutofthebox.com (Mary Bast’s summaries, case examples and poetry capturing the “intuitive feel” of each style)
Exercise for the week: visit the websites and take several versions of these tests, with friends and family and coworkers if possible, discussing varying personality styles discovered.

Intuitive Focusing Turn On Your Enneagram Style

If you would like, do a Focusing Turn on your “shadow side” and other learnings once you have guessed at your style:

1. Clear a Space: Relax and come into your body by following your breathing.
2. Get A Felt Sense: Ask yourself,” How is this personality style reflected in my life? How does this “Driving Force” manifest in my work and relationships?” Set aside any thinking and wait quietly, for at least a minute, for the “intuitive feel” of “that whole thing” to form in the center of your body, around your heart/chest area.
3. Find A Handle: Slowing look for some words or an image or gesture that exactly capture the “feel of it all.”
4. Resonate and Check: Go back and forth between any symbols that come and the “felt sense,” the “feel of it all,” until the symbols and “felt sense” fit exactly, with a sense of “Ah, yes” and some tension release.
5. Ask An Open-Ended Question: Ask a question like “And why is that so important to me?” or “And where does that come from in me?” or “And how do I feel about that whole thing?” and, again, set aside what you already know and wait quietly, at least for a minute, for the “felt sense,” the murky, unclear Creative Edge to form in your body.
Again Resonate and Check until you find symbols (words, images, gestures) that exactly “fit” the bodily-feel.
6. Receive: Take some time to receive and integrate anything new that has come, appreciating your body for sharing its wisdom, letting new insights settle in.

Then, you can choose whether to stop or begin another round of Focusing: Asking An Open-Ended Question, Letting a Felt Sense Form, Finding a Handle, Checking and Resonating until “Ahah!”, symbols and bodily-feel come together.

See blogs under Category: Conflict Resolution in the sidebar to find a complete mini-course on Interpersonal Focusing and Conflict Resolution, including Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Blanchard’s “One Minute Apology,” Patricia Evan’s books on Verbally Abuse and Controlling Relationships, McMahon’s Beyond The Myth Of Dominance, and much more.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

conflict resolution, Diversity Training, personality differences | , conflict resolution, Diversity Training, Empathic Listening, Empathy, Enneagram, Focused Listening, Gendlin's Focusing, individual differences, Intuitive Focusing, personality difference, personality tests, shadow side

DIVERSITY TRAINING: MYERS-BRIGGS AND KEIRSEY TEMPERAMENT SORTER

Comments (3)

By Kathy McGuire, April 25, 2008 2:48 pm

INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES: PERSONALITY TESTS

Differences So Vast You Can’t Imagine

People are so different in their basic personality and learning styles, talents, and goals that you simply cannot understand anyone deeply without using the Focused Listening skill.

However, personality differences are actually so great that it can be as if the other person sees the world in a completely different way. Even Focused or Empathic Listening may not be enough for you to grasp how different the other person is from you.

At Creative Edge Focusing ™ , we use a variety of personality tests and measures of individual difference like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) or The Enneagram to make this point about individual differences and uniqueness. We are more interested in getting people to consider the depth and range of individual differences than we are allied with any one measure.

When you really become embattled with someone who is widely different from you, you believe that the person must be from a different planet. They must be crazy. They are evil. All you know is that they are not like you – and that they are not okay. They represent a threat to how you see the world, and you have to get rid of them. This misunderstanding about deep personality differences, or basic differences in ways-of- seeing- the- world, is the root of much violence in this world.

Almost everyone has had such a clash, for instance the stereotypical clash between masculine and feminine, between Thinker and Feeler, between the responsible Ant and the playful Grasshopper as portrayed in numerous films. These clashes are violent. They destroy relationships, families, students, and business relationships.

In the weeks of this cycle, you will find descriptions of some of our favorite measures of individual differences and links to online tests and more complete descriptions. We suggest that you try out lots of different measures and even several different versions of the same measure, building an “intuitive sense” of your own personality and style rather than rigidly forcing yourself into a pigeon hole, and also trying out various approaches to understanding your family, friends, and colleagues.

Below, you’ll find descriptions and links for the MBTI and the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. The MBTI is meant to be given by certified professionals expert in its administration and interpretation (although there are self-scoring versions available). The Keirsey is a user-friendly, less professional version based upon the same Jungian theory.

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) : Differing Gifts

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), widely used in business and education, is one way to understand the “differing gifts” of each individual. Based upon psychiatrist Carl Jung’s theory, The MBTI measures two orientations (Introversion vs. Extroversion; Judging vs. Perceiving), and four psychological functions (Sensing vs. iNtuition ; Thinking vs. Feeling).

Scoring creates 16 distinct personality types, each described with four letters (INFJ; ESTP; ENTJ, etc.). However, there are further complexities. For instance, in each type, two of the four functions are introverted; two are extroverted . You need a chart to figure that out (click here to find a chart, along with Dr. McGuire’s summaries, in her article, “Jung, MBTI, and Experiential Theory. For more on masculine and feminine, Thinking and Feeling, according to Jung, Gilligan, and Gendlin, see McGuire’sThe Body As A Source Of Knowledge ).

The MBTI has been administered to millions in education and business settings, and individuals are surprised to recognize themselves in the personality descriptions. Much research has also shown that MBTI personality types accurately predict career choices (Myers, Gifts Differing, Consulting Psychologists Press, 1980, link to Amazon.com). Even more importantly, the MBTI is widely used in business for personnel decisions and to develop teams that are balanced in terms of contributions from different personality types.

Personality Differences Are Vast, Inexplicable

At a workshop, the trainers had all the Introverts sit at a table together for lunch, and all of the Extroverts at a different table. The Introverts ran out of things to say and excused themselves quickly, needing time to gather energy by taking a walk alone or taking a nap or meditating or reading quietly before the next session.

The Extroverts filled up every silence, competing for turns to talk rather than listening to each other. They could have talked forever, gathering energy from the interaction regardless of whether they understood each other.

The Association for Personality Types (www.aptinternational.org ) makes it clear that the MBTI should be administered by a trained professional who can appropriately explain and interpret test scores. However, for an informal idea of your Jungian personality type, we can suggest the following websites. Take several different versions of the tests for greater clarity:

www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp (free test)
www.similarminds.com (free tests)
www.personalitytype.com (free quiz)
www.16types.com (inexpensive, self-scoring test for organizations)
www.learningchoices.com/career-personality.htm (career lists by type)
www.myersbriggs.org (official site with descriptions of functions)
http://tap3x.net/ENSEMBLE/main.html (extremely interesting articles on Jung’s Four Functions and applications of the theory in organizations)

The Keirsey Temperament Sorter: Four Basic Temperaments

Keirsey and Bates (Please Understand Me, Prometheus Nemesis, 1984) trace how, since earliest written reports, humans have continuously defined each other into four types, basically “fire, water, air, and earth” in many different versions.

Please Understand Me (link to Amazon.com) includes a self-administered test derived from the Myers Briggs (MBTI) which produces the same 16 personality types marked by four letters (INFJ, ENFJ, ESTJ, etc.) as the MBTI. The book also includes excellent descriptions of learning, leadership, and relationship styles of the various types. This book is an excellent bargain, since it includes a test equivalent to the Myers Briggs plus user-friendly theory for about $15.

The description of the SP learning style, and its clash with the traditional SJ orientation of the majority of school administrators and teachers, provides a positive way of understanding children diagnosed as “ADHD” and their clash with traditional education.

In Please Understand Me II (link to Amazon.com) (Prometheus Nemesis, 1998) Keirsey further develops his own typology of the four basic “temperaments,” which he calls, after Plato’s categories, Artisans (The Fox), Guardians (The Beaver), Idealists (The Dolphin), and Rationals (The Owl). He discusses forms of intelligence, social roles, self-image, values, and interests of each temperament. His book includes the original MBTI-like test and a new one for his four temperaments. It also has chapters on Mating, Parenting, and Leading according to the different temperaments.

Keirsey, in describing the SP learner as his Artisan, provides a further positive description of the hands-on, active learning style of those called “ADHD” and “ADD” in our educational systems. His descriptions validate the many positive attributes of this “learning and personality style” which can be capitalized upon rather than denigrated. See Dr. McGuire’s article, “Don’t Fight ‘Em, Join ‘Em: A Community-Wide Intervention for ADHD, School Failure, and Juvenile Delinquency for more.

Best bargain: buy Please Understand Me and get the test as well as useful information about the sixteen types. You can use the test over and over again with friends and family.

You can take a brief Four Temperaments test online for free, to discover if you are an Artisan, Guardian, Idealist, or Rational, but, in order to also get your one of the sixteen Jungian-based types and a full report, you will be asked to pay a small charge. Keirsey’s website contains lots of interesting information, for instance, his ratings of personality types of US Presidents and other famous people:

http://keirsey.com (short, free quiz; small charge for longer report)

Exercise for the week: visit the websites and take several versions of these tests, with friends and family and coworkers if possible, discussing varying personality styles discovered.

See blog Interpersonal Focusing and Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication and use the links at the top to download Dr. McGuire’s Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing, in English and Spanish, with complete instructions for using the Interpersonal Focusing method (from her self-help manual Focusing in Community (Focusing en Comunidad).

See blogs under Category: Conflict Resolution in the sidebar to find a complete mini-course on Interpersonal Focusing and Conflict Resolution, including Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Blanchard’s “One Minute Apology,” Patricia Evan’s books on Verbally Abuse and Controlling Relationships, McMahon’s Beyond The Myth Of Dominance, and much more.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAY”: RE-EVALUATION CO-COUNSELING

By Kathy McGuire, April 2, 2008 2:06 pm

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAY!”

“I hate my job! I hate my life!”

Many people feel like they hate their job, and will say, when asked to participate in “Sharing Your Day”: “I hate my job! The last thing I want to do when I get home is talk about it!” and go off for a drink and TV, or some other diversion, something that helps them avoid talking about their day.

I think it is obvious that this is a big problem, not only in terms of increasing intimacy, but also in terms of the health and happiness of that person, as well as the relationship.

If a person is that unhappy in their job, then something needs to be done about it. And perhaps the first step on that path is to begin talking, begin “Sharing Your Day” with their partner. Through talking, without interruption or judgment, something new can happen, a new possible action step arise.

Talking without being interrupted allows automatic access to The Creative Edge, the “intuitive feel” from which new possibilities can arise. So, painful though it may seem, the first step to a new, happier life can be the simple “Sharing Your Day.”

Re-evaluation Co-Counseling: Just Telling Your Story Is Healing

In a form of peer counseling called Reevaluation Co-Counseling (click this link to find lots of information on actually trying out “RC” http://www.rc.org/), the main “intervention”is simply “Warm, caring, non-judgmental attention.” The two people sit close enough so that they can hold hands. The Listener simply looks into the Speaker’s eyes with “warm, caring, non-judgmental attention.” Each person took an equal turn as Speaker and Listener, anywhere from 20 minutes to one hour turns.

The Speaker starts with their earliest memories and just tells the story of their life, looking into the Listener’s eyes. As they tell their memories, the Speaker welcomes and allows any manifestation of emotion or tension discharge. In the founder, Harvey Jackin’s, list of forms of discharge, are shaking as a discharge of fear, laughing as a discharge of light fear (embarrassment, shame), yawning as a discharge of boredom, crying as a discharge of hurt and pain. For the first several months (or perhaps the first year?!), this is all that was done. The Speaker tells their memories over and over, as long as more emotions are being discharged. New memories arise and are healed through emotional discharge. Listeners eventually also learn other “interventions” to help Speakers get out of stuck patterns and into emotional discharge, but “warm, caring, non-judgmental attention” is the main one.

See if you can start “Sharing Your Day.” Nonjudgmental listening, no interruptions is key! If you and your partner want to add holding hands and looking into each others’ eyes, give it a try. Read up on RC at http://www.rc.org and try out these simple peer counseling skills.

If either partner’s pain is so great that “Sharing Your Day” is absolutely not possible, then professional help can be sought. Click here to read about Focusing-Oriented Therapy (FOT). Visit The Focusing Institute under Learning Focusing to find both FOTs and Focusing Teachers who can help you get started in the geographical search section under Learning Focusing.

“How Do I Find A Life Partner?”

In the original Changes group, any person could have a “team” of Listening/Focusing peer helpers to help them solve a difficult life problem or write a book, whatever. I had a “team” to meet with me and plan how I was going to find a life-partner.

And we carried out the plan: with my team’s support, I presented on Listening/Focusing at the Association For Humanistic Psychology in Chicago that year, and I also went to a presentation that Eugene Gendlin, creator of Focusing, was doing there. The idea: maximize the statistical probability of finding a Focusing-Oriented person to relate to. And, at the Gendlin presentation, I saw him. And, at my presentation, I met his friend. And —eventually, I married him, even though he lived in Canada —

So, I thought, “How about a Focusing Singles Network—- something like ‘speed dating,’ where you get to meet a lot of people, a few minutes each, but, of course, we could just use the Changes meeting format: Check In (introduction of self), then, perhaps, a Round Robin of short listening/focusing turns — well, really, just Check -In might be sufficient?” , just each person saying a little by way of introduction.

Anyway, someone could organize it FOR A FEE or for fun and run it as a phone free conference call or locally…I know, it might sound crazy, but, really, finding a Focusing-Oriented significant other, when you are Introverted like many of us, can be really difficult —- of course, this model could be developed locally, or regionally (would be ideal to have them in different languages, in different countries). Anyway, this is the seed of an idea.

Also, likely there might be a separate Focusing Gay Singles Network, or maybe address this issue in the introductions? I know for many gays it is difficult to somehow find out who in a group is also gay…a lot of difficult undercover work unless this is addressed directly somehow.

Lori Ketover is also starting to use a Focusing Support Group model to introduce small groups of people to each other by phone in order to find partners for Focusing Partnership through the Focusing Institute Focusing Partnership program — just hearing someone’s voice, seeing how they do listening/focusing, seems to really help some people match up. So, why not extend this idea to more conscious matching up of Focusing Singles?

Otherwise, my best advice to find a Focusing-oriented life-partner is to attend Focusing workshops, conferences, presentations, in your area and internationally, do presentations, participate on e-lists — I started an interesting long-distance relationship when I met someone at a Focusing International in Chicago, and he lived in California, me in Oregon.

Although, I met my present life-partner through the persistent efforts of a friend who was a business professor — and kept introducing me to business professors — and I have taught him Listening/Focusing since we married.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

relationships | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, Harvey Jackins, healing self-esteem, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, RC, RE-EVALUATION CO-COUNSELING, sharing

FROM INCREASED INTIMACY TO INCREASED SEXUALITY

Self-Satisfaction To Equalize Desire

By Kathy McGuire, March 31, 2008 2:31 pm

Setting Up “Dates” To Insure Opportunity

Instant “Ahah!” # 8: “Sharing Your Day” (link to blog with exercise) will increase intimacy, sensuality, the desire for sexual closeness. However, even in the best of relationships, keeping sexuality alive seems to be aided by “making dates,” setting up specific times as protected space for sexual intimacy.

Remember, within a set up time, you can be as spontaneous as you want. Some people may find a certain routine creates a ritual “Sacred Space,” for others it may be important that “anything can happen.” However, once the early romance is over, and especially when jobs and children and chores and TV can gobble up all available time, it is important to set up “dates” (just like when you were first getting to know each other) which guarantee an opportunity for sexual intimacy to arise.

The longer couples go without having sex, the harder it can become to bridge that gap. And having sex really does increase intimacy for some people, rather than the other way around (increased intimacy increasing sexual desire). So, many couples find that aiming for two to three sexual encounters per week, along with daily”Sharing Your Day,” can be optimum for keeping the sexual channel open in the midst of busy lives.

Even including lighting candles, starting music, doing massage to increase sensuality, 45 minutes to an hour can be plenty of time for a wonderful sexual encounter. In the beginning, it may be important to allow more time to take away pressure. But having a wonderful, memorable “date” takes little enough time that couples can make a commitment to fit that time into their schedules.

Erotic Equality: Untangling Sexual Desire

So, one partner might say, “Two to three times a week! But I hardly ever feel like having sex!” and the other might say, “Two or three times a week! That is nowhere near enough times to meet my need!” And upon this difference in sexual desire many relationships have foundered.

Here are some possible solutions. They are based in the ideas of equality and negotiation basic to the entire Creative Edge Focusing model. However, for some people, they may break sexual taboos, so, if you are uncomfortable with these suggestions, feel free to stop reading! These are all links to Dr. McGuire’s blogs:

Erotic Massage To Increase Desire

Learning Self-Satisfaction

Sensitivity To Issues Of Sexual Abuse

Increasing Intimacy With Sexy Board Games

Please read entire blog entries on Conflict Resolution and Relationships in order to place Intimacy and Sensuality/Sexuality within the broader range of self-help skills of Empathic Listening and Intuitive Focusing and Interpersonal Focusing which are taught at Creative Edge Focusing (TM), www.cefocusing.com .

Intimacy comes from clear, open communication, and Listening/Focusing skills allow that communication. See Conscious Relationship Interest Area on the website for a full introduction to Dr. McGuire’s model for The Way of Relationship.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships, sex | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

INSTANT INTIMACY: SHARING YOUR DAY, FINDING YOUR PARTNER FASCINATING!

By Kathy McGuire, March 29, 2008 4:05 pm

Catch up on this cycle: Instant Intimacy Introduction Week One blog

Kathy’s Experiences:

So, this week my husband and I shared every day, using Instant “Ahah!” #8, as we always do. We shared in front of the fireplace, or by candle light, in the hottub, etc. We had a glass of wine, 20-40 minutes usually, shorter when we had spent the day together anyway. One night we had more wine, more conversation, and ended up in passionate love-making (this in addition to our “planned dates” for love making, a concept which I will introduce in next week’s e-newsletter).

Mind you, we have a 17-year old handicapped daughter who needs almost constant supervision. We put her on the treadmill or sat her down with her meal or set up a good movie. We used to do this with two children at home, one a teen with ADHD needing constant homework supervision. We still did it.

My husband gets up at 5:30AM to get my daughter to the bus, commutes an hour to and from a very responsible job, gets home around 5PM, we usually start sharing by 6PM, before dinner. He looks forward to it even more than I. We’ve been doing it for over 10 years (I had been divorced once, he twice. I said, “If we don’t do this, we will likely get divorced. He believed me.)

I know all about his job: the assessment committee he chairs, peer review evaluations, the Faculty Senate, the new dean and new department chair, faculty leaving and being hired, interpersonal dynamics among staff, his own plans for retiring, the courses he designs and runs, his 200 students and how their personal concerns enter into his teaching.

Mind you, he is a professor of business and, when we began, I actually had a prejudice against business, finding it “meaningless.”

I also know a lot about how wood twists if not used right away, why he uses screws instead of nails when making decks, the ins and outs of various light bulb choices, how many trips to the home center it takes to find just the right piece to fix a toilet or dripping sink, etc.

I also know all about the many “bells and whistles” on his new car, his excitement about them, what he is learning from reading the manual, what he learns from reading lots of manuals for cars, boats, computers, etc., which we have. I never read manuals.

Actually, there were years when I thought his day was too boring, that he should be a “deeper person” like me, be doing something more “meaningful.” (He is a Sensor on the MBTI, very tied to present reality through the five senses, an ISTJ Guardian, a Beaver; I am an Intuitive, tied to the sixth sense, an INFJ Idealist, a Dolphin. See Personality Tests at Creative Edge Focusing so you and your partner can take them). Then, I began to tackle my own inferior Sensing, learning how to deal with accomplishing things in reality. As I became more “boring” myself, I gained more respect for his way. And he learns about “intuition” from me.

He reminds me of intimate moments we have had which come back to him. He catches me up on his family in Holland and Oregon, interactions with our daughter’s teachers and other staff. He tells me how beautiful I am. Etc.

Actually, I just thought it would be quite difficult for him or anyone else doing “Sharing Your Day” to be having an affair and not telling, or to be keeping other secrets. We look into each other’s eyes while sharing.

Don’t most affairs happen because the Other Person “listens to me,” “finds me interesting, special,” as well as more sex? Let’s think of “Sharing Your Day,” and the increased intimacy leading to more sexuality it provides, as “Anti-Affair Innoculation”!

I’d be interested to know what my husband would tell you about me from our “Sharing Your Day.”: my night-time dreams, hypochondri -ical body sensitivities, the interpersonal interactions in the 10 organizations I belong to and 10 e-discussion lists, my website marketing learnings and hassles and problems, the battles I am fighting to make the world a better place (there are always several), my worries about our son’s little family, where I went shopping and what I bought, my gardening endeavors, etc., etc.

If you aren’t already, please get to know your significant other in this intimate way. Sensuous and sexual intimacy will follow.

Use what we are learning in the Interpersonal Focusing series in this cycle (see recent blogs under Conflict Resolution), as well as the Complete Focusing Session on Articulating Positive Experiences to help you if you are “stuck.” And Instant “Ahah!” #1 to work on “What is in the way?” in terms of finding a partner or getting your existing relationship back on track.

INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY : The “Sharing Your Day” Exercise Itself

This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.

But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.

Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.

If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a possible first step:

Instant “Ahah!” # 8 :Sharing Your Day : Instant Intimacy

© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com

Time = Love

     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.

     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.

No Problem Solving

     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after. Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.

Intimacy = Sharing

     That’s it!!! You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points. And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.

     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY

Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, March 28, 2008 1:38 pm

Instant “Ahah!” #8: Instant Intimacy: Sharing Your Day

This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.

But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.

Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.

If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a possible first step:

instant “ahah!” 8

Sharing Your Day : Instant Intimacy

© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com

Time = Love

     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.

     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.

No Problem Solving

     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after. Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.

Intimacy = Sharing

     That’s it!!! You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points. And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.

     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

COMPLETE FOCUSING SESSION: “HOW AM I TODAY?” — NOTICING CRITICS AND CONFLICTS INSIDE

By Kathy McGuire, January 26, 2008 5:21 pm

Caring Feeling Presence Inside

This four weeks, while practicing a Complete Focusing Session, we are learning about turning a Caring Feeling Presence, the Focusing Attitude of friendly, curious, non-judgmental, gentle attention to whatever arises inside. We practiced finding Inner Nurturers and Inner Woundedness (Week 1), Reestablishing Trust With Exiled, “Unpleasant” Inner Aspects (Week 2), and Dealing With Critical Voices and Conflicts (Week 3).

Just Acknowledge Critical Voices, Say “I’ll be back later to spend time with you”

Today, when you practice the Complete Focusing Session #1: “How Am I Today?”, pay special attention to any Critical Voices which arise. In general, seeing a Critical Voice as an Inner Worrier or Inner Protector, you can simply notice it :” Okay, there is something saying ‘You’re no good at this; nothing is happening; Focusing is stupid” and, simply by noticing it, acknowledging it (saying “Hello,” Ann Weiser Cornell says), you can often just set it aside for the moment and go back to your steps of Focusing.

At a later point, you might go back to that Critical Voice as part of your Focusing process: “Okay, now I would like to spend some time with the part that says “This is ridiculous; you are failing like always,” etc., and ask yourself, “Okay, what is that all about?”, and wait for the “feel of that whole thing” to form, and continue with the Focusing Steps:looking for words, images, symbols that capture the “intuitive feel,” resonating and checking until you find symbols that are “just right” and experience a release, a small or large “felt shift” or “paradigm shift.”

Articulate “Conflicts” Into “Two Sides” and Spend Time With Each….(Read on here and find the Complete Focusing Instructions to practice )

Download Dr. McGuire’s article, Focusing Inner Child Work

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

conflict resolution, core skills, experiential focusing therapy, Intuitive Focusing, self-help skills, spirituality | biospiritual focusing, caring feeling presence, Critical Inner Voices, Empathy, focusing inner child work, Gendlin, Gendlin's Focusing, healing your aloneness, Inner Abusers, Inner Child healing, self-compassion, self-empathy, Self-Hate, self-healing, self-love, Voice Dialogue

FOCUSING: Dealing With Inner Critics, Inner Abusers

By Kathy McGuire, January 25, 2008 6:42 pm

DIFFERENT FORMS OF INNER CRITICAL VOICES AND DIFFERENT APPROACHES TO THEM

For this four weeks, we are working on perhaps the most essential aspect for successful Intuitive Focusing, creating a positive attitude, inside of yourself, for whatever might arise during a Focusing turn.This is The Focusing Attitude.In Week One, I talked about turning a Caring Feeling Presence toward your inner experiencing, finding an Inner Nurturer and an Inner Woundedness. In Week Two, I talked about establishing an inner, trusting relationship between “parts” of the Self that had perhaps been at war for years and didn’t really like each other.

Now, we take on Inner Critical Voices: recognizing them and dealing with them. These, too, will each have an “intuitive feel” to them, a “felt sense” holding a lot more information, if you can take time to separate out the various aspects and “sit with” the “intuitive feel,” the “felt sense,” the “something more” about each of them.

The Inner Abusive Relationship: “I Hate Myself, I’m So Stupid, I’m So Worthless”

Actually, we are going to start with the most difficult Inner Critical Voice, and that is the one you don’t recognize and you don’t have a “felt sense” for. When you are having the most negative feelings about yourself, you are actually suffering as the Victim of an Inner Abuser…only, instead of hearing the Inner Abuser saying, “You are hateful! You are so stupid! You are so worthless!,” you are saying these words to yourself: “I am hateful, I am so stupid, I am so worthless.”

So, here the first step is just separating out these two things. You need to begin to hear the voice of the Inner Abuser saying”You are so…!” and, separately, experience the “felt sense” of your Inner Victim — feeling afraid, beaten down, overpowered, overwhelmed. And, then, the Inner Victim, with the help of Inner and Outer Listeners/Nurturers/Anchors, needs to be able to stand up to the Inner Abuser and say, sometimes very strongly, “Shut up!”, “Go sit over there!” “I’m putting you behind this brick wall and locking the gate!” Or the Inner Nurturer can join with the Inner Victim and stand together, saying, “We are not going to let this go on!” or “I am not going to let you talk to her that way.”Read the rest of the Focusing approach to Inner Abusers and Inner Critics

Download Dr. McGuire’s article, Focusing Inner Child Work

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director