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By Kathy McGuire, October 17, 2007 3:41 pm

PDF: DESTREZA BASICA: ESCUCHA FOCALIZADA

Human Literacy = Listening To Oneself And Listening To Another

When an individual is using the Intuitive Focusing Skill to problem solve at The Creative Edge, Focused Listening by another person can help carry the whole process of articulation forward.

Based on Carl Rogers’ Reflective or Empathic Listening, Focused Listening, the second Core Skill of Creative Edge Focusing ™, is the most simple yet most powerful communication skill you will ever learn.

When people are trying to communicate, struggling with  overwhelming emotion, or trying to solve  problems, nothing is more helpful than hearing their own words back. Then, they can use Intuitive Focusing to check inside and ask themselves, “Is that what I am trying to say?”, “Is that really what I am feeling?” “Is that the right image for this creative problem I am solving?”

The understanding of Gendlin’s Intuitive Focusing has greatly enriched Empathic Listening, so that it is no mere “parroting” of what the other has said.   Reflection includes more than the person’s words. It can also include reflection of aspects of The Creative Edge which the person hasn’t yet been able to put completely into words. The person may be communicating these felt edges through gestures or emotional tone. Also, as the person speaks, metaphors or images may arise in the Focused Listener which seem to capture or point to the Creative Edge.

The Focused Listener can also offer Focusing Invitations which can deepen the Focuser’s ability to contact the Creative Edge.

Focused Listening means not trying to solve the problem for the other person but trusting that the solution is already implicit in the person’s own Creative Edge. No outside solution could be as relevant or as likely to be able to be carried out in action than that arising from The Creative Edge.

The Focused Listening Skill involves learning to set aside all your usual reactions, your opinions, judgments, advice, suggestions and just say back, or “reflect,” what the other person is trying to say.  The Listener can also help by giving Focusing Invitations to the Focuser.

Yes, everyone thinks they know how to do listen, but, really, when was the last time you really listened to another person, or that someone really listened to you?   

Four Basic Kinds of Response

The Focused Listening skill as Dr. McGuire teaches it, which combines Gendlin’s Focusing with Rogers’ Reflective Listening, includes four different possible kinds of responses by the Listener: (read more and learn the actual skill involved in the responses at http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a2.php on Creative Edge Focusing’s Ultimate Self Help website.

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By Kathy McGuire, October 15, 2007 2:09 pm

Collaborative Edge Sexuality: Negotiation Among Equals For Win/Win Solutions

 In Unequal Desire? Try Erotic Massage a few days ago,   I spoke about unequal sexual desire and making three dates per week, starting with massage for the weary, if need be— Un-“Coupling” Desire and Satisfaction But what if desire is still unequal? What if one partner would happily have sex every day; the other much less frequently— What if your partner gets turned on just watching you undress for bed – and you are only thinking of going to sleep? You are not responsible for satisfying your partner’s desire—but, you should also not stand in the way.  Self- Satisfaction needs to become completely accepted, not to be hidden or scorned—It can be celebrated by the other, even if the other only wants minimal participation, or none—and, sometimes, it might surprise the other with their own desire— Only do what feels “okay” —but don’t be stopped by society’s “taboos” Check with your “intuitive feel,” your “felt sense” of each new situation (learn Intuitive Focusing at http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a1.php). While your lover self-satisfies, might you be willing to do a slow strip-tease?—or dance for your lover?—or tease them with a feather boa?—or a touch on the inner thigh? Perhaps you are only willing to sit in a provocative pose while you read your book—or, perhaps, this day, you would rather leave and go check your email—or go to sleep—or perhaps your partner would rather go out into the garden, in company of the night sounds and breezes— Then or at another time, share from your “felt sensing” about “self-satisfaction.” We all have a lot of past history, taboos, and also sensuous experiences to share. 

Sharing Sets The Stage And Keeps The Curtain Open

At Creative Edge Focusing (TM), www.cefocusing.com , you can download the free Instant “Ahah!” manual, in the sidebar after subscribing to our e-newsletter, but also in Free Resources under Long Articles. It gives you ten simple exercises you can incorporate into your every day life. Use Instant “Ahah!” #8, “Sharing Your Day: Instant Intimacy” to keep the door to further intimacy open. Use Instant “Ahah!” #3, “Passive Listening: Stop arguments” for five-minute uninterrupted turns to communicate about sex or anything else. Visit www.cefocusing.com to learn about Intuitive Focusing, Focused Listening, and how to use Focusing Partnership turns and Interpersonal Focusing turns for ongoing communication and conflict resolution.Okay, I’m nervous about posting this, but, if you have comments, out with them!Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops 

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director Creative Edge Focusing (TM)www.cefocusing.comThe site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

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By Kathy McGuire, October 15, 2007 2:02 pm

Okay, I think I have managed to attach a photo of the Two Wizard of Oz diorama mentioned in my first post. Take a look: my iNtuitive(MBTI) one on the left tells the story: the house fell on the Wicked Witch of the East, the Wicked Witch of the West put Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Lion to sleep in the poppy field — but Tin Man, because of “no heart,” is still awake, looking for help, and Glenda Good Witch is on the scene. All metaphor.

 The other diorama, strong on Sensing (MBTI), has carefully-drawn bricks on the yellow road, leaves attached, tiny dog and basket details added to Dorothy. But no story-telling. Which one draws you? And why? Please comment! It was hard to get this photo up here (but now look for more to come! This is fun!)

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By Kathy McGuire, October 14, 2007 3:18 pm

I first came upon the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator when my adopted son entered public school as a first grader. Immediately, he was diagnosed as Attention Deficit Disorder With Hyperactivity (ADHD).

 Here I had been living with this vastly entertaining, golden boy for seven years (from birth) and, suddenly, because he could not sit still at a desk and listen to a teacher talk, there was something really wrong with him, something needing medication.

Although I am a clinical psychologist, I am not a big fan of medication as the first choice for everything (absolutely, there are times when it is life-saving, can save lives with depression or bopolar and help greatly with ADHD). And, being a client-centered (based upon the work of Carl Rogers) therapist, I believe that every person has a unique path, unique talents, a unique acorn that will grow into a unique tree.

So I started looking for a way to describe all of my child’s positive strengths to his teachers, e.g., no, he didn’t sit still, but, yes, he could do puzzles way better than most children. No, he didn’t sit still, but, yes, he could put objects together and fix machinery. No, he didn’t sit still, but, yes, he was an amazing athlete, always friendly and happy, etc.

The best tool I found was Keirsey & Bates, Please Understand Me (Prometheus Nemesis Book Co.,1984), still my favorite inexpensive, user-friendly introduction to personality differences. There is a modified version of the MBTI in the front with scoring sheet and explanations of the sixteen personality types generated.

I identified my son as an EST(F)P, an “artisan,” an “active, hands-on learner.” (see the tables included at the end of  my short article, “Jung, MBTI, and Experiential Theory”, http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/2f1n_Jung_MBTI_Exp_Theory.pdf, for Thumbnail descriptions of each of 16 MBTI “types”). I then could use the classroom-oriented work of Thomas Armstrong (ADD/ADHD Alternatives in the Classroom, ASCD, 1999) and Howard Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences theory and many other tools to fight for active, hands-on learning options for my child at school.

As a single mom, I also started to apply the MBTI to my understanding of relationships. At one point, thinking I had honed in on the problem, I posted newspaper “personal ads” saying I was looking for an “NF” (iNtuitive Feeler) partner. I found one, and it didn’t work out! Maybe we were too similar!

Instead, I found an ISTJ partner, a wonderful compliment to my INFJ  type. Right from the beginning, I shared MBTI understandings with him.  We knew we shared an Introverted (I)love of quiet alone time and a Judging (J) love of organization and structure. His Sensing (S), reality-oriented common sense balances my iNtuitive (N) “sixth sense” global  imagination. His Thinking (T) ability to be objective and analytical actually complements and balances my Feeling (F) ability to be subjective, relational, and empathic.

However, without the MBTI understanding of our difference, we might have floundered, him finding me “overly emotional, ” me finding him “overly intellectualized,” him finding me “unrealistic,” me finding him “boring and mundane.” 

As a “mature” couple (he on his third marriage, I my second), perhaps we had also realized that compromise, appreciation, and mutual respect for difference were key to continuing relationship. We discussed how our former spouses, both P’s, had brought spontaneity and fun, but also lateness and disorganization that we couldn’t tolerate.

What does the MBTI understanding do for you? When your child or partner does something that makes you think, “This person must be from a different planet,” or “This person is crazy,” or “This person is evil,” looking at MBTI differences can help you see that, yes, this person is radically different from you, but he is like a whole lot of other people, a whole “type” of people with unique talents and unique “gifts” to bring to the table.

A few examples:

I am rushing to get my son to the bus for a winter retreat with his church group, up on a mountain. Arriving early (which, as a J, I like to do), I look down and see that, on his feet, he has no socks and flipflops, his only shoes for the trip. I am screaming at him as I rush home for “appropriate shoes,” “How could you……?!!!!!” Then, I realize, for someone who is “spontaneous, lives-in-the-moment, is the life of the party,” thinking ahead to a snow-covered mountain was just not in his repertoire.

One of my husband’s former wives gave him this reason when, after 15 years, announcing “out of the blue” that she was leaving him: “Remember that time we were moving, and I wanted to stop to say goodbye to friends (F) and you said we couldn’t, we had to stay on schedule so we could return the van on time(TJ) ? That’s why.”

When I am caught up in too much feeling (F), my husband can steady the ship with an “objective analysis” of what is happening (T).

Enough for today. Main point: people really are different and, rather than hate them for it, embrace these many “gifts” by using tools like the MBTI.

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By Kathy McGuire, October 13, 2007 5:45 pm

PDF: FOCUSING INTUITIVO: DESTREZA BASICA

 Pausing To Ponder

Intuitive Focusing  is one-half of the two Core Skills of the Creative Edge Focusing ™ Model.  Intuitive Focusing can be used any time to find out what is bothering you or to articulate an intuitive “inkling” into a creative idea or solution.

Intuitive Focusing is a predictable, step-wise method for sitting with the vague, wordless intuitive sense of something that is “more than words”….something you can’t quite put your finger on or put into words, but something definitely determining your behavior or how you feel……

Intuitive Focusing can be used not just for personal problem-solving but for sitting with The Creative Edge of anything: creation of art or writing, an exciting professional problem to solve, a good feeling that has a spiritual edge…

Here are just a few situations where pausing for some minutes of Intuitive Focusing can provide a way forward:

• You have a “gut feeling” of  exactly what problem you want to work on, but you don’t have any words or images to describe it.
• Your boss hands you a problem to solve out of the blue, and you have no idea where to begin, how to approach it.
• You are “stuck” on a creative project, “blocked,” no inspiration about where to go next.
• You know that something is bothering you, your whole body is tense, you can’t sleep, but you have no idea what the problem is.
• You have an“inkling,” an “intuition,” (see Gladwell, Blink, 2005) but you can’t put it into words.
• You have a “hunch” about what to do, an action you want to take, but you can’t verbalize any reasons to justify it.
• You wake up with the “feel” of a forgotten night-time dream.
• You have a wonderful feeling of well-being, a “spiritual” feeling, and you would like to spend more time with it, finding a way to describe it.
• You have an uncomfortable feeling after an interaction with someone, but you don’t know exactly what it is about, so you don’t know what to do about it.
• You know exactly what you want to do but find yourself blocked, unable to move forward.
• You might have no feelings, no creative ideas. You feel like a flat piece of concrete.
• You feel totally stressed out, confused, overwhelmed….

Learn all about Intuitive Focusing and its partner skill, Focused Listening at www.cefocusing.com Check out Core Concepts area and also, in the Home page sidebar, Instant “Ahah!” Focusing: Find Out What is Bothering You as an exercise you can try right now. Our e-newsletter and e-support group (join in the homepage sidebar) will support you in learning and practice listening/focusing step-by-step.

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By Kathy McGuire, October 13, 2007 5:23 pm

1) Intuitive Eating: Paying attention to your inner “felt sensing” while shopping, cooking, eating.

This is the season for fresh basil and tomatoes…try this low-fat meal: Pumpernickel or other dense bread (toasted?), topped with chopped basil , then sliced tomato,  a  drizzle of olive oil, a slice of fresh (or part-skim) mozzarella…

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By Kathy McGuire, October 12, 2007 4:34 pm

Collaborative Edge Sexuality = Finding Win/Win Solutions Through Negotiating as Equals 

 Unequal desire for sexual intimacy? Try massage…

• First, set the stage for greater closeness with Instant “Ahah!” #8 (p.27) –Sharing Your Day: Instant Intimacy practiced every day (download the free Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual at www.cefocusing.com by subscribing to e-newsletter in sidebar or looking under Free Resources Long Articles — ten simple exercises to bring Listening/Focusing skills into your everyday life)
• Make a date three times a week for sexual intimacy (e.g., Tuesday and Thursday at 9:30PM, Saturday around 9AM) –carry out at least two dates/week. You can set aside 1 1/2 hours, but 45 minutes to 1 hour can be plenty of time.
• At your local natural foods store, stock up on massage oils and lotion…Jason brand is a good one, Lavendar always calming
• If you can, buy a massage table for home; Earthlite portable at www.earthlite.com  is sturdy but inexpensive(well, certainly cheaper than marital therapy or a weekend away, and much easier on the back muscles)
• At least on some “dates, the person with greater desire and energy enjoys massaging the front side of the other person…start with a foot/leg massage, erasing exhaustion,move on to the rest of body and, finally, erotic areas….at some point, make sure the “initiator” also gets a massage…Lover’s Massage and Ultimate Sexual Massage from www.lovingsex.com are explicit DVD’s showing you how…be warned…the rest of that website can be overwhelming….

More to come in future editions!

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

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By Kathy McGuire, October 11, 2007 10:56 pm

I’m Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director of Creative Edge Focusing (TM) at www.cefocusing.com . I have thirty years experience as a psychotherapist, peer counseling teacher, and decision making consultant. But, here in this blog, I will talk about whatever comes to mind, be it food (Intuitive Cooking), sex (Collaborative Edge Sexuality), Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening (Core Skills taught at www.cefocusing.com ), shopping, relationships, conflict resolution, personality tests, spirituality, creativity, Creative Edge Organizations — everything I’ve learned and want to share.

I think of this blog as Ultimate Self-Help — sharing what we learn that can help others save time, money, their relationships, their spirituality, their world, their work situations, etc.

The story below points to dynamics that happen in all relationships, be they for love, friendship, or business. I don’t believe that we can understand other people unless we come to grips with the idea that people can be really, really different from us, like from another planet, but that there are categories for these differences, as simple as fire, water, air, and earth, but also way more complex “personality tests.”

You can read a more theoretical presentation about The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), my favorite test of individual differences,  in the article “Jung, MBTI, and Experiential Theory” at http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/2f1n_Jung_MBTI_Exp_Theory.pdf and actually find links to take a version of this personality test and others at http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2e.php, but here is a funny illustrative story:

Yesterday, I went to my doll club (yes, this is how I “lighten up”) It was a Halloween party, the theme was Wizard of Oz, I was in charge, and we had contests: Best homemade costumed doll, Best bought homemade doll, Best diorama (this is a scene in miniature).

My story is about my diorama and how it was totally misunderstood because of a personality difference between me (an iNtuitive on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, MBTI, 25% of people) and the majority (Sensors on the MBTI, 75% of people).

There were two entries under Dioramas. Both of us had gotten our 5 1/2 ” dolls from a McDonald’s promotion, so the 8 “character” dolls we used were identical. We both used a cookie sheet size “ground.”

In mine, I had the Wicked Witch of the East (was that the first sister, with the striped stockings and ruby slippers? We iNtuitives are really bad at details, but long on imagination and creativity!) lying down with a miniature house lying on top of her, legs sticking out (you know, Dorothy’s house blew away from Kansas in a tornado and landed on the witch!).

I had the other Witch (of the West? In black) standing over Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Lion, who were all lying down in a drugged sleep in a field of “poppies” (red fake flowers) next to the “yellow brick road” (yellow construction paper). The Tin Man was still standing (of course! He didn’t fall asleep because he didn’t have a heart!) in the midst of them all, trying to help. There were small pumpkins, munchkins, and Glenda also in the scene. I thought it was an extremely imaginative way of telling part of the story.

 The other diorama, made by an accomplished seamstress, artist, county-fair winner, had yellow construction paper all over the “ground,” and she had painstakingly drawn in “bricks” (a kind of detail work I would never consider). The eight characters were simply lined up in two rows and “glued” to the base. Now, granted, she had supplemented with a tiny basket and tiny dog for her Dorothy (a detail I would never think of). But, there was no “story-telling” there.

Well, I was busy tallying votes from all the contests, so not watching over the dioramas. But, when I did go over to look, I saw that someone had picked up the house off of the witch and stood the witch up and stood the lion up — obviously, she or they thought all the dolls had “accidentally” fallen over!!!! They didn’t get the story at all!!!

The vote was 8 for Sensing her, 6 for Intuitive me (not bad, considering!!). It seemed like such a great illustration of the difference between imaginative, iNtuitive thinking and concrete, reality-oriented Sensing it made me laugh.

In most work situations, there are only a few iNtuitives, in the “creativity” departments, but they drive a lot of the innovation which the Sensing people so carefully bring to realistic expression.

Kathy