CE Focusing Blog

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

ADHD, collaboration, core skills, Creativity, education, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, parenting, self-help skills, support groups | ADHD, creative edge education, Creativity, differing gifts, education, juvenile delinquency, Multiple Intelligences, personality tests, school drop out

CREATIVE EDGE EDUCATION: ADHD, SCHOOL DROP OUT, JUVENILE DELINQUENCY

Comments (3)

By Kathy McGuire, December 29, 2007 2:58 pm

Creative Edge Education pays special attention to the needs of students with ADHD and other non-traditional learning styles. It joins with Juvenile Justice in prevention of school dropout and juvenile delinquency.

The Creative Edge/ Differing Gifts model can apply to all education, but the education of those children labeled as having “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or “Attention Deficit Disorder” and other learning differences is an urgent area needing response.

“Attention Deficit Disorder” simply defines children in terms of their “deficit” in the ability to participate in and benefit from traditional, passive, obedience-based education. These children receive a positive definition for their “unique abilities” in the Myers-Briggs and Keirsey definitions of differing temperaments and learning styles. The child with an SP, hands-on learning style, called The Artisan by Keirsey, can excel in an active, independence-based, hands-on learning environment, steered toward careers which maximize the use of these special skills.

In a traditional classroom, where obedience and passive learning are the watch word, the Guardian children (who make up one-third of the typical classroom) have an advantage, while the Artisan children (which, according to Keirsey, make up another one-third of every classroom!):

Are doing the “wrong thing” all day long, given their inability to “sit still, listen, and obey.” Their behavior is just the opposite, a need to learn by moving, and by their own hands-on, trial and error, not by passive listening. The medications like Ritalin help them to “sit still,” to conform to the traditional model.
Are being punished all day long for doing the “wrong thing,” ending up in time-out, in the hall, in detention. Their self-esteem and trust in themselves to make good judgments are destroyed, encouraging them to identify themselves as “losers,” “bad kids.”
Are pushed out of school and into school dropout, juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, drugs, and other high-risk behavior.
Become our lower-tier of “working class poor” or jobless people.

Needed instead: Hands-on and other learning approaches which respect their different learning style and lead to careers which they can thrive in.

Of course, legislation at the national or state level specify academic content which must be learned by every student, as an attempt at holding educators responsible for delivering an equal product to all learners. This seeming conflict with a Creative Edge model, which aims at maximizing the unique, creativity-motivated learning of each child and producing creative, innovative, self-motivated and collaborative adults, must be given attention in finding compromises which work to the advantage of each child.

Join the Creative Edge Collaborators yahoo group for further brainstorming with interested others, find “one small step” people are willing to do, create action plans for carrying out our mission, and use our power as a concerned “group” to approach legislators, foundations, whoever has the power to bring listening/focusing into education.

The goal? Having training in PRISM/S and The Creative Edge Pyramid as a cost- and time-efficient part of curriculum for teaching “emotional” and “social” intelligence as basic to “human literacy.”

Download Dr. McGuire’s article, “Don’t Fight ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Community-Wide Intervention for ADHD, School Failure, and Juvenile Delinquency” .

Spend some fun time taking some of the Personality Tests and discovering your “differing gifts,” your Temperaments, your varying Multiple Intelligences, your Shadow Side in the Enneagram.

–Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

Download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (“Ajas” Instantaneos en espanol) for ten exercises bringing Listening and Focusing into your everyday life starting today.

Download our complete Intuitive Focusing Instructions to start practicing Relaxation, Getting a Felt Sense, and Intuitive Focusing today!

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

ADHD, Creativity, education, MBTI, parenting, personality differences | , ADHD, creative edge education, Creativity, differing gifts, education, Enneagram, juvenile delinquency, Kerisey Temperament, MBTI, Multiple Intelligences, personality tests, school drop out

CREATIVE EDGE EDUCATION RESPECTS DIFFERING GIFTS

Comments (5)

By Kathy McGuire, December 23, 2007 10:53 pm

In business settings, there is great appreciation for the fact that teams need a balance of people with different skills, interests, and talents. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is one personality test widely used in organizations to help co-workers come to appreciate the “differing gifts” each brings to the table and to avoid conflict by respecting these differences. The MBTI helps businesses to hire personnel, organize teams, and increase conflict-free collaboration.

The MBTI is also widely used in education, to identify students’ differing gifts and to offer guidance in terms of career choices utilizing various gifts. The MBTI, has proved highly valid in predicting future career choices and guiding students into careers which are a good fit for their particular skills, talents, and interests (Myers, Gifts Differing, 1980).

Kiersey’s Please Understand Me, Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences, and Mel Levines’ All Kinds Of Minds all offer additional perspectives for appreciating the “differing gifts” of each child. See Personality Tests for thorough descriptions and sample tests from these models.

The Career Academy model for high school education, sponsored by the federal Department of Labor in the USA, allows students to become exposed to a variety of possible career choices through hands-on, real-life activities. It also helps students to specialize in an area of interest leading directly into actual jobs or next-step accreditation programs, such as community colleges and technical schools, as well as colleges and universities.

Read Dr. McGuire’s article, “Don’t Fight ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Community-Wide Intervention for ADHD, School Failure, and Juvenile Delinquency” .

Spend some fun time with holiday company, taking some of the Personality Tests and comparing your “differing gifts,” your Temperaments, your varying Multiple Intelligences, your Shadow Side in the Enneagram.

–Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

ADHD, Business, Creativity, education, MBTI, personality differences, self-help skills | ADHD, creative edge education, Creativity, differing gifts, education, Enneagram, Keirsey Temperament, MBTI, Multiple Intelligences

FOCUSING TURN DEMONSTRATION: BIG “FELT SHIFT” IN LIFE-LONG “SCRIPT”

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, December 20, 2007 2:37 pm

This was such a paradigmatic example of Gendlin’s Focusing self-help technique (Focusing, Bantam, 1981,1984) and McGuire’s Intuitive Focusing, that I wanted to share it here. It includes Clearing A Space, deeper Focusing, and a huge bodily-felt shift, predicted to cause lasting change in “personality,” in how the person lives from then on.

It also ended up capturing something about this holiday season, the symbol of a young, struggling, “holy” family (Christian or not, it is this symbolism that touches me).

The turn happened on the Creative Edge Practice yahoo group where we are developing a model, a safe place for learning about Listening/Focusing directly in an email group. You can join us! Go to the link to read a description of the group.

In response to my Focusing turn, three different people offered Listening Reflection, each beautifully, empathically “holding and grasping” my message and giving it back to me, enriched by their own being-there in a Listening way. What an educational experience to be able to compare styles of Reflecting!

Here is the complete turn: it started slowly, me thinking only of Clearing a Space, moving into a deep Focusing, huge felt-shifting experience. The kaleidescope turned, and everything is newly in process:

“Okay, I am going to touch base with myself, as this holiday time (for me, my 62nd birthday Dec. 24, then Christmas, Dec. 25, New Years….) by Clearing A Space, just to see what is on my plate. No desperate issue to use Focusing with, but a sense of wanting to “take an inventory,” see what is there (Clearing A Space is Getting A Felt Sense Exercise #3, p.10 in Complete Focusing Instructions download you received, also on CD Intuitive Focusing Training, Track 10. You can find e-newsletters about it at E-newsletter archive, dates 10/12-11/1 ):

Phew!! All that teaching done, now turning toward myself, just beginning to follow my breathing as a way of coming inside my body— big breath, big sigh. Ahhhh!

—Got to slow down, give up “teaching” mind set, take time, take those whole “minutes” for finding the felt sense, not try to do this fast—

—-(long pause for felt sensing) Wow! (almost teary feeling) This holiday is almost here, after all these months of build up, and, if I am not careful, I am going to “miss it,” miss the “holiday” time-off, time for relationships, feeling of it ——

— Moving into a little Focusing here —- I am not really taking a full break —still doing email, blogging, website about three hours a day —what if I took a total break for the week from Christmas to New Years? —– tension in my shoulders — responsibility — also almost teary : “I would miss my email community — they are a large part of my “family” —-

—Many people also experiencing this “holiday,” not wanting a lot of emails — natural slow down?(doing some meridian tapping on sore spots each side of my collar bone: “I carry so much tension, even when I am trying to be on vacation —-TRYING!” (Big sigh, letting go of some tension—)

—Leaving further Focusing on that issue for another time. Back to Clearing A Space (I am looking for the peace, the “Except for all of that, I am completely okay!” experience that can come just with Clearing). (Big breath. Sigh. Releasing some tension). Ahhhh!

—Next issue that arises: Seeing my son, daughter-in-law, new grandson today— almost teary feeling — they are like Mary and Joseph — too young. They have a home, but not much else in the way of security — the world against them, too, in some way, because of their ADHD way of being (more teary here — pausing to sense into this. More of a sad sigh…)— some actual tears now, some relief in that symbolism — that there will be some angels and shepherds and wise men for them, too — some supports —that it is “not just me” trying to hold them up —WOW! That is an insight for me. Not to experience only all the hardship side but to see that there is some world-love, some world-support for them also—-NOT JUST ME (more teary feeling there. I will pause to be with that part — the strain I put on me to “hold them up” —)Big sigh—-

—My son will be at least yelled at at work, if not fired, because people stole something while he was cashier — it wasn’t totally his fault, but he was crying, stressed out, about it — but also angry about being blamed —

—And he is considering joining the military as a way to cope with this young family, all the bills….that is a big “weight” on me (I am drooping under the crush of it) Big Sigh. So, there is that. That is a heavy one — but I am reminded of the “support” symbolism above — the weight of that, the decision, whatever happens, it’s not all on my shoulders (ALL??? REally, in some way, none of it is on my shoulders —tears, sobbing, really, here —- I really cannot “remove this cross” from them. It is theirs to bear, not mine—much more sobbing there, nausea —- I would much rather be able to control it, to take it on, take care of it, make it come out alright —- more sobbing—-

(Had to get up and walk around. There is a huge physical pain shooting all up the sides of my torso, through my spine/ribcage, and sobbing about how I would rather carry it, even if stressful, than acknowledge that I really can’t control it, I can’t fix it— of course, logically, I know this — but THIS IS DIFFERENT. THIS IS LIKE AN EXPERIENTIAL, BODY-KNOWING THAT I CAN’T CONTROL IT. THIS COULD BE A BIG SHIFT, A BIG CHANGE IN MY MAJOR LIFE PATTERN OF TRYING TO CARRY EVERYTHING— so, I am going to breath into this and walk more, let this body-level shift happen more thoroughly—)

—This is big. I can’t even comprehend, really, what would come next as a way-of-being if I put this down, this idea that I am controlling/saving/holding up things, like whether people I love live or die, etc. — I’m thinking “This is what the Freudians mean by ‘secondary gain’ — what is the person gaining by having what looks like an unproductive pattern/behavior?” I’m feeling this experientially, as a body, not just a head, knowing — Big sigh. I need to take more time to “live into” this body-shifting—- Pause again, walking.

— Sitting, just breathing, feeling twinges shooting all through my body, loosenings, stretchings — but also part of me that wants to “crunch back up,” go back to thinking I am controlling things — but, I know that, fortunately, I guess, in real felt-shifting, like this is, there is no going back —-“The kaleidescope turns, and everything is new.” Darn!!! (meridian tapping those sore spots on collarbone again)

— A glimmering: “Well, silly, you weren’t really controlling things before either, with all that stress and tension. YOu just thought you were!!!!!!!”” (something in me starts shuttering here, shaking with fear — this is too scary for that part. I will be with that part now, turning compassionate, nurturing attention to it —–) Pause.

—I’m looking at a poster I have on the wall. It is a big pool of wavy water. Floating in the middle, a mother cradles her child in her hands. There are larger hands cradling those two. And really large hands cradling “all of that.” I want to comfort myself there, convince myself, believe that there are “larger hands” holding it all up:”S/he’s got the whole world in his/her hands,” the song says —- Ahhhh! More pausing to “sit with” all of this — the scared part, the letting go, the hope that there is love/support in this world so harsh for these young parents — some teariness there—Ahhhh!

—still too scary — thinking of my child going off to Afghanistan or Iraq, him thinking he is going to work on computers and come out getting a job for $120,000!!!! Too young. Too innocent to face these huge decisions…but also very stubborn. Very much needing to “do it myself.” And, yes, it is his destiny. I cannot do it for him. It ruins the very “thing,” the “selfhood” for him if I try to decide for him. Sigh….

—I can’t do anymore with this place now. Need it to rest. Trust the continuing bodily shifting. Ahhh!

— Sense that there is this whole “other thing” on my plate. Where I thought I would spend my Focusing time. This whole issue about my work, what new projects I should take on, what leave alone. How be less stressed. I’m not going to go there now. Another time. But I know they are related. Saving my son. Saving the world. It’s all part of that same “life script” :”I can hold it all up. I can change it all. I can save everybody, if I just work hard enough.” Big sigh!!!

I’m stopping here! Another huge post, huge Focusing turn come out of Clearing a Space. I do feel lighter. My spine straighter, my body less hunched over with carrying it all. I am optimistic! I trust this felt-shifting, carrying forward process. I know it is in the “direction of righting,” wholeness.

I do feel finished. I do not need reflection. But, of course, it is always welcome. It is always nice to ALSO be heard, as well as hearing myself. And, of course, this group is a place to practice Reflecting, so I’m game for any person to try it, perhaps with just some small part…or not! It’s vacation!

Warmly, and thanks for Listening, “holding this space.” I would not do this Focusing at all this well or deeply “alone”.

Kathy

—Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

core skills, experiential focusing therapy, health, Intuitive Focusing, self-help skills | existential therapy, experiential focusing therapy, felt shift, Focusing, Gendlin, Holy Family, Intuitive Focusing, self-help skills, spiritual symbolism

INTEREST AREA: Education, Especially For ADHD

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, December 19, 2007 10:59 am

Core Concepts

1. Educating for human literacy: “Emotional” and “Social” Intelligence

Specific to the Creative Edge Focusing™ model, the core “human literacy” skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening can be integrated into education along with the traditional literacy of reading, writing, and arithmetic.

Basic to the many aspects of “emotional” and “social” intelligence outlined in Daniel Goleman’s books, Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, the core of the PRISMSS Problem Solving Process, are two simple, self-help skills that everyone can learn. They translate into every sphere of home and work life, from personal growth and creativity to interpersonal relationship and conflict resolution to collaborative work in groups and teams to problem solving in our local, national, and global communities.

Through The Creative Edge Pyramid of seven applied methods , every student can learn, in about forty hours of instruction and in preschool through post-graduate education, how to:

Create new ideas
Change problem behaviors
Listen to another

Resolve interpersonal conflicts
Start a support group
Build supportive community

Create win/win decisions in groups
Create innovative solutions
Motivate others for collaborative action

Basic philosophy: Each child has a unique inner blueprint. Education serves, not to fill the child with “content,” but to facilitate the unfolding of his or her unique interests and talents and to teach communication, team-work, and creative problem-solving skills.
See also Interest Area: Positive Parenting

2. Creative Edge Education is active, hands-on, always striving to engage The Creative Edge of each child

In Creative Edge Organizations, every worker is engaged at the Creative Edge of their own “intuitive felt sensing,” their specific motivating passion of the moment. So, too, in Creative Edge Education, each student should be actively engaged, actively interested, actively motivated to create out of their own Creative Edge, their own “intuitive sensing.”

In Business Schools, at the undergraduate and graduate level, hiring companies want employees skilled in working in collaborative teams. They have pushed professors from passive lecturing to aiding students to work in groups and teams. Students work on real-life, hands-on projects, including computer-generated business simulation “games” as well as actual business projects.

So, too, in our elementary and secondary education, if we want to educate future workers for creativity and innovation, students need to be taught to be active learners, to be engaged at their Creative Edge, and to work in groups and teams on collaborative, real-life projects. Read More about Focusing in Education.

Download Dr. McGuire’s article, “Don’t Fight ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Community-Wide Intervention for ADHD, School Failure, and Juvenile Delinquency”.

Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

ADHD, Business, core skills, Creativity, education, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, parenting, self-help skills | , ADHD, creative edge education, Creativity, educating for ADHD, educating for creativity, education, Focusing, fostering creativity, fostering independence, Gendlin, LISTENING, parenting, self-help skills, teaching self-reliance

CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP: CREATING LOVE THROUGH FOCUSING PARTNERSHIPS

By Kathy McGuire, December 14, 2007 2:02 pm

Love Relationships

Perhaps there is no more important place for the use of Empathic Listening and Experiential Focusing skills than in love relationships.

When we “fall in love,” we are drawn to something in the Other that intrigues and fascinates us. Unfortunately, as time goes by, the stresses of day-to-day living and, perhaps, specific areas of conflict with our partner, wear away that romantic, in-love feeling. We can even come to “forget” whatever drew us to this other person in the first place, and our sexual feelings for the other can become submerged as well!!

Exchanging Listening/Focusing Turns with our beloved, significant other can be a way of recovering the feelings of love which initially drew us together. In Listening/Focusing turns, each person can drop the defensive layers that hide the true, inner Self from the other. When that inner Self stands exposed, that vulnerable Inner Child becomes visible, we “fall in love” all over again, remembering who it is that really lives inside of your partner. Then, it becomes much more simple to work out the more superficial, behavior-level problems that irritate or cross us in every day life. Read more about Inner Child Empathy.

Friendships As A Way To Grow

Hopefully, we all have some friends whom we can lean on when things get hard, friends who are good listeners, who just let us have our say and don’t judge or criticize us when we are down. In these times, we don’t really want someone to try to fix us or to give us advice or opinions. We just want them to listen and support us. It is just this non-judgmental listening and total, unconditional acceptance that makes the most solid and fulfilling friendships.

It is just such friends who could form the basis of your own Listening/Focusing Community.

Furthermore, if you have stresses or misunderstandings with any of your friends, you can also use the Listening/Focusing skills to work out these conflicts and end up even closer, using the Interpersonal Focusing method. See Focusing Friendships for more on incorporating Creative Edge Focusing into your friendship network.

From Focusing Class To Focusing Support Group

The other main way of finding a Listening/Focusing Partnership or starting a Listening/Focusing Support Group is to participate in a Listening/Focusing Training Class or Workshop in your area. Then, hopefully, you can carry on in a self-help way with other participants you have met at the workshop, or join an existing Changes Group in your geographical area. Again, go to Free Resources to learn about all the available options. Find additional classes and workshops internationally at www.focusing.org .

Read more about Conscious Relationship, including the First Ten Steps to bring Listening/Focusing into your relationships.

Order our Self-Help Package and join our Creative Edge Practice E-Group for hands-on demonstrations and practice of Listening and Focusing self-help skills.

Subscribe to our Instant “Ahah”s E-Newsletter and immediately download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol), ten self-help practices to add to your life at home and work.

Explore using Interpersonal Focusing sessions by phone with Dr. McGuire to practice listening/focusing in sorting through relationship difficulties.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshopsDr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

Classes and Workshops, community building, conflict resolution, core skills, gender, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, relationships, self-help skills, sex, support groups | Conscious Relationship, Empathic Listening, Focusing, friendship, Gendlin, intimacy, love, relationships, self-help skills, support groups

Interest Area: Conscious Relationships

By Kathy McGuire, December 13, 2007 3:05 pm

The Way of Relationship

Intimate relationships can be seen as a spiritual path, The Way of Relationship. Relationships can be a self-therapy. Relationships will point up your “blind spots” or “shadow sides” more effectively (or shall I say more quickly, anyway!) than psychotherapy.

The Way of Relationship can be practiced between lovers. The experiences of empathy which arise during the exchange of Listening/Focusing turns lead to increased emotional and physical intimacy.

The Way of Relationship can also be practiced between friends or in a spiritual or other community. The experiences of empathy, of individual uniqueness as well as common humanity common in Listening/Focusing Exchanges, can be a spiritual experience of the love called Agape, or Buber’s “I-Thou” vs. “I-It” relationship.

Harville Hendrix’ book, Getting The Love You Want, was an early one stating that it’s okay for your relationship to be “therapy.” We are attracted to people who have the capacity to heal us in some way, to move us on our journey toward wholeness. Hendrix calls it The Imago, a kind of template of the kind of person needed for your healing. Ideally, you will find a person enough like your parent to offer the experiences needed healing but also capable of going through this healing journey with you . At www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com , you will find more books and training programs connecting you to a network of people, through Imago Relationships International, who are committed to conscious relationship.

Gay and Kathleen Hendricks’ book, Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment, namesthe bedrock of good relationship as complete, absolute, and utter honesty at all times. This book and their many other books and workshops through the Hendricks Institute, www.hendricks.com , give many concrete techniques and practices for conscious relationship.

Although there are many wonderful, established programs for Conscious Relationship such as the two above, Intuitive Focusing, as aided by Focused Listening, is the missing link in almost every program, the one thing that is usually not taught but makes all the difference in terms of whether people actually succeed in the programs or not.

Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, used in Focusing Partnerships and Interpersonal Focusing, are the bedrock self-help skills which provide a way through. They help you to stick with it when buttons get pushed. They tell you how to mine the treasure in “confrontations.” These are really confrontations with your own shadow side– the parts of yourself you can’t see – the positive aspects you devalue as well as negative aspects you do not want to accept.

The goal for everyone is “wholeness,” the integration of positive and negative shadow aspects, and we choose friends and partners who will push us toward wholeness.

Read more about Conscious Relationship, including the First Ten Steps to bring Listening/Focusing into your relationships.

Order our Self-Help Package and join our Creative Edge Practice E-Group for hands-on demonstrations and practice of Listening and Focusing self-help skills.

Subscribe to our Instant “Ahah”s E-Newsletter and immediately download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol), ten self-help practices to add to your life at home and work.

Explore using Interpersonal Focusing sessions by phone with Dr. McGuire to practice listening/focusing in sorting through relationship difficulties.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

community building, conflict resolution, core skills, gender, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, self-help skills, sex, spirituality | conflict resolution, Conscious Loving, conscious relationships, Focusing, Getting The Love You Want, Hendricks, Hendrix, Interpersonal Focusing, intimacy, LISTENING, relationship help, self-help skills, sexuality

REFLECTIVE LISTENING: WHEN IS A REFLECTION “RIGHT”?

By Kathy McGuire, December 6, 2007 3:01 pm

This is my favorite question ever! What is “right” in terms of a Listening Response, a Reflection? I’d love it if everyone would jump in with their answer to this question, regardless of teaching experience or just experience!

For me, the only “right” that really matters is when the client/Focuser says, “Yes. That is exactly right. That fits” with sighs, tension release, other signs that this is the body’s response: “Yes. That is right. It captures the ‘feel of it all’ completely.”

The point or goal of Focusing Turns, or Focusing-Oriented Therapy (FOT) IS to empower the Focuser to gain confidence and skill in allowing answers and next steps to come from within their own experiencing of their own unique situation.

IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO EMPOWER THE CLIENT TO TRUST THEIR OWN JUDGMENT THAN TO CONVINCE THEM OF SOMETHING THAT MAY BE THEORETICALLY “CORRECT.”

Carl Rogers was so emphatic about this empowering that he would do NOTHING but reflect, not wanting to give the client any temptation to rely upon him as “expert” rather than their own inner experiencing and problem solving.

So, if a reflection/interpretation/evocative technique does not “fit” in the moment, does not touch the Focuser’s present felt experiencing in a way that allows carrying-forward, new next steps from inside, to unfold, draws the Focuser out into discussion, disagreement, or argument with the Listener — then, it is not “right” in this moment — although it may become “right” at a later point when the Focuser has moved forward to a new felt Edge that can take it in in a resonating way—

Most everything else, I guess, is helpful or unhelpful! Helpful can be getting it “wrong” in a way that helps the Focuser say more what “it” is like: “No, it’s not that. It’s more like this—” (This can happen even when the Listener says back exactly the Focuser’s words, seemingly perfectly “right”!).

Helpful is always going back, after any intervention, especially one that seemed “wrong” in terms of getting the Focuser off the track of felt-sensing, into confusion or arguing or theorizing with the Listener instead of continuing to pay attention to finding words or images for, the present “felt sense.”

My articles Caring Confrontation and Focusing Inner Child Work With Abused Clients (free PDF downloads from www.cefocusing.com )trace my attempts to grapple with this issue, of how hard to press, how often to come back to, a “felt experiencing” I have in relation to the client which I think is “Correct” in some way but they say is not “Right.”

This is such a great question, I would invite everyone to jump in with their own answer, their own way of saying what is “right” in terms of a Listening Response.

Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing

Business, core skills, experiential focusing therapy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, self-help skills | Active Listening, Carl Rogers, communication skills, Empathic Listening, Eugene Gendlin, experiential focusing therapy, Focused Listening, Focusing, Focusing-Oriented Therapy, Reflective Listening, self-help skills

Sharing Your Day: Instant Intimacy

By Kathy McGuire, December 2, 2007 2:54 pm

Time = Love

With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members.

At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.

No Problem Solving

And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after. Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.

Intimacy = Sharing

That’s it!!! You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points. And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life, including sexuality between partners and children turning to their parents when needing help.

Find this exercise as #8, p. 27, in the Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol) free download at Creative Edge Focusing website. There, in the sidebar, you can subscribe to our e-newsletter, for weekly advice and e-reminders to try out the exercises.

Need more help getting agreement with your significant other to move into more intimate sharing? You can try Interpersonal Focusing phone sessions with Dr. McGuire or find a Focusing-Oriented Therapist in your area through listings at The Focusing Institute

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

conflict resolution, experiential focusing therapy, LISTENING, self-help skills, sex | , Couples Therapy, Focusing Therapy, Focusing-Oriented Therapy, Interpersonal Focusing, intimacy, sharing

INTUITIVE COOKING: COFFEE “GOOD AS STARBUCKS”

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, November 30, 2007 5:33 pm

Key Secret:

It is weak coffee that is bitter! It is exactly putting too much water through too few grounds that sucks out the bitter acids in the coffee.

So, while intuitively, you might think you have to make your coffee weaker to get rid of bitter taste, exactly the opposite is the case.

It is always better to start with too strong coffee and add water than to make weak, and therefore full of bitter acids, coffee.

Coffee making is about the only place where I measure exactly instead of intuitively. It took me over 50 years to get it right, and I’m sticking with the formula.

Basic Formula (And Julia Child in Joy of Cooking reiterates it on page 26, 1964 edition!): 2 US Tablespoons of regular or fine ground coffee to 3/4 to 1 8-ounce cup of fresh water.

Me, I use a small Mr. Coffee, fill it to the metal band (they call this “4 cups,” but it is only about 2 1/2 8-ounce cups of water), and use 2 1/8 cup (2T) scoops of fine ground coffee of the darker, stronger kind, like French Roast.

I started with Starbuck’s coffee I bought at the supermarket, to get the recipe down (“good as Starbuck’s” was my goal. Yours may be higher, like freshly ground beans, fancy extracting pots…that is not me).

And, me, I use decaf coffee only, because the real thing can keep me awake for 36 hours straight. But that is another story about “highly sensitive people” and food allergies.

It is very hard to find interesting decaf coffees. Starbuck’s has only one House Blend. Walmart has a pretty good Java Express decaf French Vanilla. Natural food stores may have some good organic ones.

But I have found the most interesting decafs and bargain prices at discount stores like Tuesday Morning and TJMax in the gourmet food sections, like, recently, Godiva decaf Special Roast and decaf Vanilla. And lots of other little-known brands, even, when lucky, decaf Chocolate Raspberry, Creme Brulee, Irish Creme. You just have to keep checking. I buy six or more if I find them. Whether kept in the freezer or on the shelf (I do put the original bag inside a ziplock bag), they taste “good as Starbuck’s” to me after several months!

So, don’t skimp on the coffee and ruin the flavor!

While Intuitive Cooking is only an off-shoot, learn the self-help skills that really matter to me, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, at my website for Creative Edge Focusing (TM). See how the skills apply to personal growth, creativity, spirituality, parenting, as well as creative, innovative problem solving and interpersonal conflict resolution in work-oriented settings. Two self-help skills as “emotional and social intelligence” for every part of life.

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)