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The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

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CREATIVITY, INTUITION, AND GLADWELL’S “BLINK THINKING”

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By Kathy McGuire, April 18, 2008 2:54 pm

INTUITIONS GUIDE CREATIVE DECISION MAKING

“Blink Thinking”

In his best-selling book, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking(Little Brown, 2005), Malcolm Gladwell justified the importance of intuitive, “gut” thinking in decision making. In fact, he pointed out that, contrary to our assumptions about our rationality, many high-level decisions are based more upon a “gut sense” or a “blink of an eye” impression than upon rational, logical thinking.

When they believe they are using objective indicators for choices, people are often influenced by subjective, peripheral factors “outside of awareness.” For instance, for generations, classical music orchestras believed that women could not master the instruments or the nuance of the music. Women were seldom hired.

Then, orchestras started having performers audition behind a screen, cutting out visual cues in making hiring decisions. To everyone’s surprise, chosen through “listening” alone, women were actually chosen a majority of the time, even for instruments “presumed” to be more “masculine,” like French Horn and other brass instruments.

Gladwell distinguished between two kinds of intuitive decision making:

·        In the one case, a person has a “gut sensing,” an unclear, preverbal “feel” about something, which is very real and substantial and resilient, impossible to put aside or ignore, even though words for it can’t be found. An example: some museum curators have a “sense” that there is something wrong about an antique statue. They don’t know what it is, but their “body-sense” tells them there is something. Eventually, following this “intuition,” they discover concrete evidence that it is a facsimile.

·        In the second case, a person makes a decision in “the blink of an eye,” without even awareness of an “intuitive feel” but out of an immediate, precognitive assessment of a situation. An example: a fireman deciding where to step, which way to go, what to do in a split-second emergency situation.

Gladwell says that we can’t really “unpack” our “gut senses.” However, although this is true about the split-second decisions in emergency situations, it is not true for the more common situations in his first case, where there is a gnawing, long-lasting “gut sensing,” an “intuitive feel,” for which words HAVE NOT YET been found. In these latter situations, Intuiti Focusing, “sitting with” the “intuitive feel” of “the whole thing,” and carefully looking for words and images which are exactly “right” in capturing this preverbal “intuition,” is a premiere way for increasing the usefulness of “intuitive” or “gut” information.

Using Intuitive Focusing In Situations Of Uncertainty

In her Market Focusing approach (www.marketfocusing.com ), Flavia Cymbalista taught Gendlin’s Focusing to people like George Soros, financier, and others needing to make decisions in situations of “uncertainty”, like the ever-changing stock market. Traders often had to follow their “intuition” and wished for something more substantial to base decisions upon.

Soros thought he used logical, rational indicators for decisions. Through work with Cymbalista, he realized that, actually, he got a “pain in his back” when his portfolio needed adjusting, and the pain disappeared when he got it “right.” He was following an “intuition,” a “bodily feel” without words. He and others learned that consciously using Gendlin’s Focusing to find words and images for “gut intuition” allowed even greater access to the “intuitive feel” for market decisions.

“Gut Sensing” Is Everywhere In Creative Decision Making

Here are just a few situations where pausing for some minutes of Intuitive Focusing can provide a way forward:

·        You have a “gut feeling” of exactly what problem you want to work on, but you don’t have any words or images to describe it.

·        Your boss hands you a problem to solve out of the blue, and you have no idea where to begin, how to approach it.

·        You are “stuck” on a creative project, “blocked,” no inspiration about where to go next.

·        You know that something is bothering you, your whole body is tense, you can’t sleep, but you have no idea what the problem is.

·        You have an”inkling,” an “intuition,” but you can’t put it into words.

·        You have a “hunch” about what to do, an action you want to take, but you can’t verbalize any reasons to justify it.

·        You wake up with the “feel” of a forgotten night-time dream.

·        You have a wonderful feeling of well-being, a “spiritual” feeling, and you would like to spend more time with it, finding a way to describe it.

·        You have an uncomfortable feeling after an interaction with someone, but you don’t know exactly what it is about, so you don’t know what to do about it.

·        You know exactly what you want to do but find yourself blocked, unable to move forward.

·        You might have no feelings, no creative ideas. You feel like a flat piece of concrete.

·        You feel totally stressed out, confused, overwhelmed —

Focused Listening To Aid In Creative Problem Solving

While a person can use Intuitive Focusing on their own to find words for “gut sensing,” having the help of a Focused Listener, in aFocusing Partnership or Focusing Group/Team, can make this process of “finding words” easier. Here is a hypothetical example.

The Focuser sits with The Creative Edge, the murky, intuitive “feel” of the whole Gestalt, and attempts to make new words and images using the Intuitive Focusing skill. The Listener uses Pure Reflection, simply saying back the words and images of the Focuser, without judgment or advice, and with emphasis upon reflecting “the unclear edge,” the “bodily, intuitive feel.” The Focused Listener can reflect back the Focuser’s actual words as well as the less-clear nuances, until the Focuser finds exactly the right new symbolizations to capture The Creative Edge.

Example:

The Focuser starts out with a “gut sense” about a problem. He knows there is something wrong, but he can’t put his finger on what that is nor on a solution:



Focuser: “There is something about the mechanical execution of this model that is not going to work — I don’t know what it is, but I can sense it. I’m uneasy about it —“

       Listener: “So there’s an uneasiness there — something not right about the

    mechanical execution —“

Focuser: (sitting quietly, pondering at the Creative Edge — ) “All I get so far is an image of red intertwining with white, two triangles intersecting — “

Listener: “So there’s an image — two triangles intersecting — red and white intertwining —“

Focuser: (some excitement in voice, opens eyes) Let me draw that (starts drawing with pen and paper, grabs red and white chalk — soon, a gear-like drawing emerges) —(evident excitement) Yes, it’s something there , in that gear box!!!

Listener: “So, you can see clearly now — it’s something in that particular gear box — “

Focuser: (closes eyes) “Let me sense into that some more (sits quietly, pondering at The Creative Edge — over a minute — ) — something, something twisty there —“

Listener: “Twisty —“

Focuser: (more closed-eyed Focusing, pondering at The Creative Edge — minute or more — sighs, shifts in seat — more pondering —)”Hmmmm — I think I’m getting it — something about the ratios there, the red too dominant over the white — “

Listener: “The ratios — red over white —“

Focuser: “I’ve got it — needs to be 8:6!”

Clearly, the Listener doesn’t even have to understand what the Focuser is talking about, but, still, having that outside person offering Reflection can carry forward the process of creating new symbolizations out of The Creative Edge.

Even though Focused Listening allows the Listener to occasionally use other kinds of responses (Asking For More, Focusing Invitations, and Personal Sharings), pure reflection is still the most powerful form of response to someone using Intuitive Focusing at The Creative Edge.

If you do not have a Listening/Focusing Partnership, consider whether there is a colleague at work, a friend or family member who is already an excellent listener and might be interested in learning the formal Listening/Focusing Partnership method with you. Then, use the multi-media materials in our Self-Help Package or the free download of Chapter Three: The Listening/Focusing Exchange (a link at the top of this blog entry )

The Blurry, Vague, “Feel of the Whole Thing” Holds The Next Steps



I invite you to use Intuitive Focusing again below to find next steps on a “creative project”: an article, a book, a poem, a song, a dance, a marketing campaign, an engineering breakthrough, some project needing creative ideas.

If you need to work more specifically on “blocks” to creativity, you could use Cornell and McGavin’s technique from last week, using Focusing to give a gentle hearing to the “part” that wants to “hold back,” as well as the “part” that wants to “go forward,” until steps toward resolution arise (Week Two Treasures In Blocks).

Focusing On A Creative Problem or Project Click here to find the exercise

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creativity | Blink, Blink Thinking, Carl Rogers, coaching, creative problem solving, Creativity, Empathic Listening, Focused Listening, Focusing, Gendlin, Instant "Ahah!"s, intuition, Intuitive Focusing, Intuitive Problem Solving, Malcolm Gladwell, overcoming blocks to creativity, paradigm shifts, personal growth, problem solving, self-help, writer's block

FOCUSING AND CREATIVITY: FINDING TREASURE IN BLOCKS

By Kathy McGuire, April 16, 2008 4:04 pm

RELEASING BLOCKS TO CREATIVITY

“Treasure Maps To The Soul”

Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin, Certified Focusing Trainers, have made a life’s work at discovering the treasures that lie within our deepest conflicts, action blocks, addictions, depression, and other forms of “stuckness.” They have developed a workshop called “Treasure Maps To The Soul” which introduces participants to many forms of “stuckness,” like the Swamp, The Fog, The Dragon, and how to use Focusing to find the treasure, the life-direction forward, in each of these blocks.

Central to their method is “the radical acceptance of everything.” Taking a neutral position of Presence inside, the Focuser then welcomes and greets with curiosity ANY inner experience that wants to come forward, without judgment. With respectful and compassionate Listening to EVERY part, EVERY aspect, their Inner Relationship Focusing allows even the most hated “blocks” and “critics” to soften, to express their own positive wants and needs and wishes to protect the Focuser.

In experiencing a “block,” there is a “part” of us that wants to go forward, to do our creative project, and a “part” that holds us back. We plan to paint, and never get to it. We sit down to write, and become totally blank, feeling suffocated. We try to write a report, and find ourselves daydreaming. Usually, we try to “beat up” or “beat down” the “part” that we see as getting in the way, holding us back.

In Focusing, we stop this inner battle and finally turn with compassionate Listening to this blocking part, asking, “Okay, what is going on for you — ? What do you need?— What are you trying to protect us from?—How can I allow you to be welcome and present while we attempt this task?” And the Focuser also then takes time to Listening with compassionate curiosity to the “part” that DOES want to go forward, its needs, wishes, fears, hopes, etc. By going back and forth between the two, Focusing allows something to “shift” inside, and a new possibility for going forward to arise. Here is the Introduction to one of Ann’s Articles from her website for Focusing Resources:

How To Use Focusing To Release Blocks To Action

by Ann Weiser Cornell, PhD
This article originally appeared in the January 1993 issue of The Focusing Connection (Subscribe).Writer’s block, procrastination, being a pack rat… all these are action blocks. If you want to start an exercise program but you don’t, if you want to keep your desk clean but you don’t, if you want to be more creative but it just doesn’t happen, you are experiencing an action block–and Focusing can help. Action blocks are painful, and everyone experiences them at times. For some people, the struggle dominates their lives. Are you familiar with wanting to do something day after day, even cursing and criticizing yourself for not doing it? Do you know about making resolution after resolution, even changing for a little while, but always sliding back? Wouldn’t you love to be able to break that cycle and act easily and confidently instead? Focusing releases the stuck system by changing the dynamic that holds the action block in place. In an action block, there is a part of you that isn’t being heard. Ironically, that’s the same part of you that seems to be in charge: the one that isn’t taking action. It has you in its iron grip, and yet it’s lonely, isolated, unacknowledged. No one has really asked it yet, “How come you’re so set against taking action?” (Remember, being sure that you already know why is not the same thing as asking it!) The Focusing process starts by bringing in self-compassion instead of self-criticism. This alone begins the process of release, because self-criticism is the glue that holds the action block in place. It’s funny, isn’t it, that it often feels like just the opposite is true? I feel like my criticism of the part of me that won’t exercise is my only hope of moving it, and that if I accept it, it will really take over my life! But actually, self-criticism holds the system in place because it ensures that the criticized part will not be heard, and everything will stay the same. And remember: compassion and acceptance are not the same as agreement or giving in. I can still want to change, while being compassionate to the part of me that doesn’t want to. Through Focusing, we create an inner atmosphere of safety, where any part of us can be heard without being attacked or criticized. This is important, because if you want to hear the truth and be released, you can’t put pre-conditions on what you hear. “You can tell me anything except…” just won’t work. In Focusing, it is quite literally true that the truth will set you free. So if you want to set the stage for allowing truth to come, start with an inner atmosphere of compassion, if possible. (If something in you says “No” to being compassionate, see if you can be compassionate to that!)

Listening to the Part that Blocks You —“READ ON AT ANN’S WEBSITE and check out the many other great articles in her Library and Workshop Offerings.

FOCUSING EXERCISE: RELEASING BLOCKS TO CREATIVITY

Last week, we used Focusing just to work with the “intuitive feel,” the “bodily-felt sense” of next steps in a creative project. We will return to this. But, for today, I ask you to look for a place in your life where you are “stuck” or “blocked” in terms of a creative project, where you are trying to move forward but continuously are holding yourself back at the same time. To begin the Focusing Exercise below, I will ask you to scan your life and choose a “blocked project,” then lead you through Focusing instructions which allow you to “listen to” both sides in the conflict, allowing new possibilities for moving forward to emerge:

Leave at least one minute of silence between each instruction

(One minute)

Okay — first, just get yourself comfortable — feel the weight of your body on the chair — loosen any clothing that is too tight —

(One minute)

Spend a moment just noticing your breathing — don’t try to change it — just notice the breath going in — and out —

(One minute —)

Now, notice where you have tension in your body (pause) —

(One minute — )

Now, imagine the tension as a stream of water, draining out of your body through your fingertips and feet (Pause) —

(One minute — )

Let yourself travel inside of your body to a place of peace —

(One minute — )

Now, bring to mind a creative problem or project that needs attention, particularly one where there is some blockage to forward movement. Take as long as you need to scan your life, looking for something with this kind of “stuckness” (pause) —

(One minute or more — )

Choose one “blocked” project, and spend a moment just bringing it fully to mind, thinking about where you are in relation to it, where you “left off,” the “next step,” the “block” —

(One minute — )

Now, try to set aside all of your thoughts about the situation and possible solutions, and, as you carry a mental image of the problem or project in your mind, just wait and see what comes in the center of your body, around your heart/chest area, in response (pause) — not words, but the intuitive feel of the whole situation, The Creative Edge —

(One minute — )

Now, carefully try to find words or an image for that Edge — Go carefully back and forth between any words and the intuitive feel of the whole thing until you find words or an image that are just right for it —

(One minute — )

Now, gently ask yourself, “What is in the way here? What is the body-sense for the part that gets in the way, doesn’t want to work on the project”, and wait, at least a minute, to see what comes in your wordless intuition, your whole-body sense, The Creative Edge —

(One minute —)

Carefully look for some words or an image or metaphor that exactly fit that Edge —

(One minute — )

Now, ask that “resisting” or “critical” part, “What is this like for you? Why are you holding back? Is there something you are wanting to protect me from? Is there something you are wishing for?” Take some time just to “listen to” how it is for this part of yourself. Go back-and-forth between words/images and the “bodily feel” of that part until you have captured the “feel of it all” —

(One – three minutes — )

Now, turn your attention to the other side, the “part” of you that wants to move forward, to tackle the project, to have the pleasure of creating. Spend some time looking for the “intuitive feel” of this forward-moving, creating part or energy. Don’t answer from your head, what you already know, but wait, as long as a minute, for an answer to come in the center of your body, your wordless intuition, The Creative Edge —

(One minute — )

Again, carefully find words or an image for that, ” the part that wants to create” Weiser Cornell suggests that you imagine yourself working on the project, being free-flowing creative, and get the “body-feel” for what that is like, and find some words or images/metaphors to capture that–

(One to three minutes — )

And ask that part some open-ended questions, like “What is this like for you, being creative?— What are you wanting/needing?— What is a first step you can imagine for moving forward?”. Again, don’t answer from your head, but wait as much as a minute for “the feel of that whole thing” to arise, and then carefully go back-and-forth, finding words/images/metaphors/gestures to capture the “intuitive feel.”

(One to three minutes —)

Continue in this way, going back and forth between the two sides, asking each, “And how is that for you?” , waiting to see what comes in your body, finding words and images for that, letting each side fully express itself. If other “parts” arise, make room for them as well, giving them time to express themselves.

As you spend compassionate, non-judgmental Listening time with each aspect of the situation, you will find the different “sides” softening and blending, becoming more understanding of each others’ needs, more willing to look for an acceptable “next step forward.”

Weiser Cornell and McGavin suggest you pay special attention to what the “blocking, holding back” aspect is “afraid of” or “wanting to protect” the Focuser from, and what it does want for the Focuser. They find that Critical and Blocking parts are often motivated by FEAR and think they are working in the best interest of the person, guarding and protecting from fearful outcomes in the only way they know how.

Spend as long as is comfortable listening to the various aspects of your “conflicted” situation, looking for a possible step forward. If no clear next step arises, just remind yourself that, by spending Focusing time sitting with The Creative Edge, you have added energy and started a new living-forward, and, especially if you continue to hold “the feel of it all” on the back-burner of your mind, later something new will likely pop up —

(One minute)

Appreciate yourself and your “subconscious,” the “intuitive feel,” for taking time with this, trusting that taking time is the important thing — solutions can then arise later.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creativity | coaching, creative problem solving, Creativity, Focusing, Gendlin, Instant "Ahah!"s, overcoming blocks to creativity, paradigm shifts, personal growth, problem solving, self-help, writer's block

INTUITIVE FOCUSING AND CREATIVITY

By Kathy McGuire, April 12, 2008 2:15 pm

: My own “intuitive” creation

: Is this “right”?

: Beautiful! I want to “capture” this!

FOCUSING ON THE CREATIVE EDGE

“Sitting with” The Unclear Edge

Intuitive Focusing, applied to creative expression, is a methodical, predictable road to “Ah, hah!” experiences. Gendlin’s Focusing (Bantam, 1981, 1984) is a step-wise procedure for paying attention to the murky, intuitive, whole-body “feel” of a creative project and going back-and-forth between this Creative Edge and words or images for describing it. When you hit on just the right words or image, you will experience that “Ah, hah! — Yes, that’s it. That is exactly the next step.” With continued rounds of Focusing, you can carry the creative project through many steps of problem-solving.

Focusing simply provides specific steps to encourage the “Ah, hah!” process which creative people have always accessed, usually accidentally. Fortunately, the “unconscious,” or the concretely available Creative Edge, “the intuitive body sense,” can carry more information, all at once, in that murky, wordless “feel,” than we can ever carry in our minds consciously. So, during Focusing, the creative problem-solver has access to “all of it,” “the whole thing,” more than could ever be recited consciously.

From Creative Block To Next Step

For example, a painter is stuck on what a particular painting needs next, right now. She can step back, take a look, and then, ask herself, “What does this painting need?” and, instead of answering from her head, the already-known, she can wait, as long as a minute or more, for the bodily-feel, the intuitive sense, the Creative Edge of “the whole thing, and what it needs now — ” to arise as a murky, wordless “feel,” usually in the center of the body, between the throat and stomach — “What does it need?” — and waiting, just paying attention to the intuitive feel — then carefully looking for words or an image or just the right gesture, the next painterly act, the next step toward “completion.” Stuck again later? Just follow the same process, stepping back, sensing in, waiting for “the exactly right” next move to arise.

A writer is stuck in a novel: “What does this story need? What does this character need? What happens next?” Again, the writer steps back, takes a moment to go quietly inside, perhaps with eyes closed, and sits with the creative question, setting aside any already-known guesses or solutions, and just waiting, for at least a minute, for the intuitive feel of the “whole thing — this whole question” to arise. Then, just as carefully, he looks for words or images or metaphors that are exactly “right” in capturing the “feel of it all.” And, then, “Ah, hah! That is exactly it.” Or, in writing even more than in painting, he can try out the body’s best guess, and, again, check with the body sense: “Is that it?”

Same thing for creative problem solving in a business, engineering, scientific research situation. When “stuck,” not knowing the answer in a left-brain way, the problem solver can simply pause for a moment, go quietly inside, and look for the Creative Edge, the “intuitive feel” for “this whole problem,” wait at least a minute for the intuitive feel to form, then use Intuitive Focusing to carefully find the exact words or images which ,”fit,” bringing that experience of “Ahah! That is exactly it!”

Often, naturally, artists, writers, dancers “check in” with their “intuitive feel” for a project at many steps throughout the creative process. Learning Intuitive Focusing as a specific Skill will enhance this natural process, as well as giving you a reliable tool for those times when you are “stumped” or “blocked” about what comes next.

The Blurry, Vague, “Feel of the Whole Thing” Holds The Next Steps

Intuitive Focusing is one-half of the two Core Skills of Creative Edge Focusing ™. Focusing can be used any time to find out what is bothering you. Focusing specializes in sitting with the vague, wordless intuitive sense that there is something — something you can’t quite put your finger on or put into words, but something definitely determining your behavior or how you feel or the inkling of an idea or solution —

Intuitive Focusing can be used not just for personal problem-solving but for sitting with The Creative Edge of anything: a piece of creative art or writing, an exciting professional problem to solve, a good feeling that has a spiritual edge —

FOCUSING EXERCISE: “SITTING WITH” THE UNCLEAR EDGE OF A CREATIVE PROJECT

I ask you to choose one or more “creative projects” you can spend Focusing time with during this four-week cycle: an article, a book, a poem, a song, a dance, a marketing campaign, an engineering breakthrough, some project needing creative ideas. This week, we will use Intuitive Focusing on the creative project itself. Next week, we will work more specifically on “blocks” that come up.

Focusing On A Creative Problem or Project

(You can read these to yourself now, download them for continuous use, read them into a tape recorder for playback . Leave at least one minute of silence between each instruction)

(One minute)

Okay — first, just get yourself comfortable — feel the weight of your body on the chair — loosen any clothing that is too tight —

(One minute)

Spend a moment just noticing your breathing — don’t try to change it — just notice the breath going in — and out —

(One minute —)

Now, notice where you have tension in your body (pause) —

(One minute — )

Now, imagine the tension as a stream of water, draining out of your body through your fingertips and feet (Pause) —

(One minute — )

Let yourself travel inside of your body to a place of peace —

(One minute — )

Now, bring to mind a creative problem or project that needs attention (pause) —

(One minute or more — )

Think about it or get a mental image of it —

(One minute — )

Now, try to set aside all of your thoughts about possible solutions, and, as you carry a mental image of the problem or project in your mind, just wait and see what comes in the center of your body, around your heart/chest area, in response (pause) — not words, but the intuitive feel of the whole situation, The Creative Edge —

(One minute — )

Now, gently ask yourself, “Is that it? Would that work here?”, and wait, at least a minute, to see what comes in your wordless intuition, your whole-body sense, The Creative Edge —

(One minute —)

Again, carefully find words or an image that exactly fit that Edge —

(One minute — )

Now, try that possible solution out in the creative situation, either in your imagination or by actually writing, painting, tinkering with a model —

(One minute — )

Now, ask yourself, “Does that work?” and, again, don’t answer from your head, what you already know, but wait, as long as a minute, for an answer to come in the center of your body, your wordless intuition, The Creative Edge —

(One minute — )

Again, carefully find words or an image for that, “Does that solution work?” —

(One minute — )

If the answer is “Yes,” a release of bodily tension, a sense of coming unstuck — then return to the creative project and work again until there is another place of not-knowing, where you can begin the whole Focusing process again —

If the answer is “No,” your body remains tense and your energy still blocked, flat, then, set aside everything you have already thought and tried and ask your “subconscious,” the “intuitive feel” at The Creative Edge, again: “What does this situation need?”, and, again, wait, as long as a minute or more, to see what comes in the center of your chest, an intuitive “feel” for the whole thing —

(One minute)

Take a moment, again, to carefully find words or an image for whatever has come —

(One minute)

Keep at this as long as you are comfortable, asking an open-ended question, waiting for an “intuitive feel” of “the whole thing” to emerge, looking for words or an image or even a gesture or action step that fits the intuitive feel “exactly.”

(One minute or more — )

But, if no clear next step arises, just remind yourself that, by spending Focusing time sitting with The Creative Edge, you have added energy and started a new living-forward, and, especially if you continue to hold “the feel of it all” on the back-burner of your mind, later something new will likely pop up —

(One minute)

Appreciate yourself and your “subconscious,” the “intuitive feel,” for taking time with this, trusting that taking time is the important thing — solutions can then arise later.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

conflict resolution | conflict resolution, empathy empathic listening, Focused Listening, Gendlin's Focusing, Getting A Felt Sense, harmonious relationships, Interactive Focusing, Interpersonal Focusing, interpersonal problem solving, Intuitive Focusing, Janet Klein, Marshall Rosenberg, Non-Violent Communication, peace making, Third-Person Facilitators

Creativity | coaching, creative problem solving, Creativity, Focusing, Gendlin, Getting A Felt Sense, Instant "Ahah!"s, intuitive creation, Intuitive Focusing, overcoming blocks to creativity, paradigm shifts, personal growth, problem solving, self-help, writer's block

INTERPERSONAL FOCUSING: KLEIN’S INTERACTIVE FOCUSING PROTOCOL

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, April 7, 2008 11:56 am

Interactive Focusing: The Double Empathic “Golden Moment”

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

For four weeks, we practice an actual exercise in three different categories: An Instant “Ahah!” to integrate into your every day life at work and at home, a Felt Sensing exercise to practice this step of Focusing, and a Complete Focusing Session. Actually doing the exercise which arrives in each e-newsletter insures that you can call upon these new skills when needed!If you just joined us, you can “catch up” on this cycle, which is starting Week Four, by reading archived e-newsletters

Week One Instant Ahah! # 7: Sharing Your Day = Instant Intimacy and

MORE Interpersonal Focusing: The Third-Person Facilitator , plus

Week Two Sharing Your Day: Finding Your Partner Fascinating and

Interpersonal: The One Minute Apology plus

Week Three Increasing Sexual Intimacy and

Interpersonal: Group Conflict — DF vs. CEDM and

Week Four Instant Ahah!#7: “I Don’t Want To Share My Day!” and Re-Evaluation Co-Counseling

If you want to learn more about past teaching/exercises related to Interpersonal Focusing to resolve conflicts, see

Interpersonal Felt Sensing: This flower is beautiful TO ME Week 1,

Interpersonal Felt Sensing Exercise,

Interpersonal: Non-Violent Communication Week 2 ,

Interpersonal: Verbal Abuse Vs. Focusing Protocol Week 3 , and Interpersonal: Myth of Dominance and Focusing Protocol Week 4 .

INTERACTIVE FOCUSING: THE DOUBLE EMPATHIC “GOLDEN MOMENT”

“What is the purpose or intention of Interactive Focusing?
Most simply said, the purpose or intention of Interactive Focusing is to allow you to touch into your direct experience in the presence of another person and through your direct experience in the safe, empathic, accepting and compassionate environment which you create together to become aware of and to share your inner truths thereby building bonds of intimacy.”

So states Janet Klein’s introduction to the website for the self-help skill called Interactive Focusing, www.interactivefocusing.com , created by Janet and Mary McGuire.

And further:

“Interactive Focusing
Interactive Focusing develops directly from intrapersonal and transactional Focusing. Interactive Focusing requires that the participants get in touch with an unclear issue that is carried in their bodysense. It requires that there is a listener using reflective responding as their listening modality. But it further requires that the full experience is one that is created jointly and dependent on a balanced participation by both. Because it is a mutual experience, certain safeguards must be in place. Interactive Focusing has developed into a practice of empathy and compassion in a safe environment, and Interactive Focusing has become the mode for developing empathy, acceptance and compassion in a safe environment.”

Here is one version of the full Interactive Focusing Protocol :

Interactive Focusing Format

By Mary Melady, reviewed and edited by Janet Klein

Part One: The Focuser’s Story

A.

Focuser:Tells a reasonable part of her story, always touching into the bodysense.

Listener: Listens from the bodysense and offers reflective responses throughout the story-telling.

B.

Focuser: Resonates the reflection for accuracy, to see if the inner experience shifts, to see if more comes. Gives Listener feedback, e.g. “I need more time with that,” “I’d like to hear that again,” “Yes—,” “No, it’s more like—,” “There’s another part I need you to hear —“

Listener: Reflects the feedback to acknowledge the correction and to let the Focuser resonate it, e.g. “So it’s more like —,” “It’s not —, it’s —“

C.

Focuser: Checks to see if she has come to a resting place with this part of her story.

Listener: Also, can check with the Focuser to see if this part feels complete.

Part Two: The Double Empathic Moment The “Golden Moment”

D.

Focuser: Invites the Listener to go inside to the bodysense to form the empathic response: How does the Listener get that it is for the Focuser from the Focuser’s internal frame of reference. At the same time, the Focuser checks inside to get the edge of where she is with her own story and to be gentle with what is there for her.

Listener: Goes inside: Takes time to let a bodysense form. Listens inside as if she were the Focuser. How might all that feel for the storyteller?

E.

Note: Usually the Listener goes first with the empathic response.

Listener: Offers the empathic response: The metaphor or image that has formed. It is usually brief and more poetic, capturing the essence of it.

Focuser: The Focuser resonates the Listener’s empathic response to see if it fits and gives feedback if needed, e.g. “That really captures it,” or “It’s more like — for me.”

F.

Focuser: Offers what came when she went inside to get how it is for her now in this new moment.

Listener: Gives reflective responses.

G.

Focuser: Quiet moment to savor how it feels to share oneself and feel empathically heard.

Listener: Quiet moment to savor how it feels to hear and take someone into your space, empathically.

Part Three: The Interactive Response

The pair switches roles

H.

The Focuser becomes the “new” Listener. Asks what got touched inside the “new” Focuser by what she just shared.

The Listener becomes the “new” Focuser. Checks inside to see what got touched by the first Focuser’s story.

They follow A-G above so the Listener has a chance to tell her story and feel empathically heard.

Part Four: The Interactive Closing – The relationship check

I.

Focuser and Listener: How do I feel about you now that we have shared all of that?

Focuser and Listener: How do I feel about myself after sharing all of that with you? How do I feel about us?

Summary: The Interactive Focusing Model Short form for Dyads

Part One: The Focuser’s Story

The Focuser tells her story

The Listener gives reflections

The Focuser resonates and gives feedback if necessary

Part Two: The Double Empathic Moment

Full Empathic Response by both the Listener and Focuser

Part Three: The Interactive Response

Exchange roles and repeat Part One and Part Two

Part Four: The Interactive closing, The Relationship Check

How they now feel about each other and

How they now feel about themselves.

On the website there is also an Interactive Focusing Program, based upon “Inside Me” Stories, to use as a social/emotional intelligence curriculum with children.

Best of all, books and manuals by Janet Klein, for Interactive Focusing with adults and children, are available FREE at

http://www.interactivefocusing.com/materials.htm

I do believe that Janet (and Mary McGuire, co-developer) have a role of Coach perhaps similar to the use of the Third-Person Listening Facilitator role in my, Kathy McGuire’s earlier model for Interpersonal Focusing.

The protocol as given above seems to rely on both the Focuser and Listener having a good degree of skill in speaking from an “owning,” felt-sensing place and being able to Listen without reacting.

The “Double Empathic” or “Golden Moment” does give a good moment for both parties to share their empathic understanding of the experience of the other and would make a nice addition to Kath McGuire’s Interpersonal Focusing Protocol.

EXERCISE: INTERACTIVE FOCUSING

Interactive Focusing can be practiced when there really isn’t any big misunderstanding The two people can simply develop the habit of one as Listener taking in what the other is saying as the Focuser, reflecting it, letting the Focuser “check and resonate and clarify.”

Next, the Listener goes inside and senses into a deeper Empathic Response, trying to really grasp what it is like to BE the Focuser. The Focuser also checks deeply whether this Empathic Response “captures all of it.” This is the Double Empathic, Golden Moment.

THEN the Listener has a turn to use Focusing upon the new “felt sense” stirred in him or her by hearing the other’s Focusing Turn. This is different from the usual Focusing Partnership Turn, where each Focuser works on their own individual issue, not their bodily-felt sense “reaction” or response to the turn of the other.

Interactive Focusing can be used as a first, non-threatening step to learning how to deal with the “felt senses” in us that are stirred “interactively,” by the words of another. Develop the habit of Interactive Focusing so that the skill will be there when there IS a problem in the relationship.

Visit the website at www.interactivefocusing.com . Learn as much as you can and order the free books!!!! Then, try it out with a partner or significant other!!! Or try it with several different people. And/or try it out with your partner every week! Then you will be ready, already having the habit of “empathy in relationship” when troublesome “felt senses” arise interpersonally.

NEED MORE PROFESSIONAL HELP WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Dr. Kathy McGuire will work with you and your significant other(s) by phone, first as Third Person Facilitator, then teaching you to use her Interpersonal Focusing method with each other. Click here to see Item SES-9, Interpersonal Focusing offered in The Store at Creative Edge Focusing (TM).

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF WebsiteFind links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAY”: RE-EVALUATION CO-COUNSELING

By Kathy McGuire, April 2, 2008 2:06 pm

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAY!”

“I hate my job! I hate my life!”

Many people feel like they hate their job, and will say, when asked to participate in “Sharing Your Day”: “I hate my job! The last thing I want to do when I get home is talk about it!” and go off for a drink and TV, or some other diversion, something that helps them avoid talking about their day.

I think it is obvious that this is a big problem, not only in terms of increasing intimacy, but also in terms of the health and happiness of that person, as well as the relationship.

If a person is that unhappy in their job, then something needs to be done about it. And perhaps the first step on that path is to begin talking, begin “Sharing Your Day” with their partner. Through talking, without interruption or judgment, something new can happen, a new possible action step arise.

Talking without being interrupted allows automatic access to The Creative Edge, the “intuitive feel” from which new possibilities can arise. So, painful though it may seem, the first step to a new, happier life can be the simple “Sharing Your Day.”

Re-evaluation Co-Counseling: Just Telling Your Story Is Healing

In a form of peer counseling called Reevaluation Co-Counseling (click this link to find lots of information on actually trying out “RC” http://www.rc.org/), the main “intervention”is simply “Warm, caring, non-judgmental attention.” The two people sit close enough so that they can hold hands. The Listener simply looks into the Speaker’s eyes with “warm, caring, non-judgmental attention.” Each person took an equal turn as Speaker and Listener, anywhere from 20 minutes to one hour turns.

The Speaker starts with their earliest memories and just tells the story of their life, looking into the Listener’s eyes. As they tell their memories, the Speaker welcomes and allows any manifestation of emotion or tension discharge. In the founder, Harvey Jackin’s, list of forms of discharge, are shaking as a discharge of fear, laughing as a discharge of light fear (embarrassment, shame), yawning as a discharge of boredom, crying as a discharge of hurt and pain. For the first several months (or perhaps the first year?!), this is all that was done. The Speaker tells their memories over and over, as long as more emotions are being discharged. New memories arise and are healed through emotional discharge. Listeners eventually also learn other “interventions” to help Speakers get out of stuck patterns and into emotional discharge, but “warm, caring, non-judgmental attention” is the main one.

See if you can start “Sharing Your Day.” Nonjudgmental listening, no interruptions is key! If you and your partner want to add holding hands and looking into each others’ eyes, give it a try. Read up on RC at http://www.rc.org and try out these simple peer counseling skills.

If either partner’s pain is so great that “Sharing Your Day” is absolutely not possible, then professional help can be sought. Click here to read about Focusing-Oriented Therapy (FOT). Visit The Focusing Institute under Learning Focusing to find both FOTs and Focusing Teachers who can help you get started in the geographical search section under Learning Focusing.

“How Do I Find A Life Partner?”

In the original Changes group, any person could have a “team” of Listening/Focusing peer helpers to help them solve a difficult life problem or write a book, whatever. I had a “team” to meet with me and plan how I was going to find a life-partner.

And we carried out the plan: with my team’s support, I presented on Listening/Focusing at the Association For Humanistic Psychology in Chicago that year, and I also went to a presentation that Eugene Gendlin, creator of Focusing, was doing there. The idea: maximize the statistical probability of finding a Focusing-Oriented person to relate to. And, at the Gendlin presentation, I saw him. And, at my presentation, I met his friend. And —eventually, I married him, even though he lived in Canada —

So, I thought, “How about a Focusing Singles Network—- something like ‘speed dating,’ where you get to meet a lot of people, a few minutes each, but, of course, we could just use the Changes meeting format: Check In (introduction of self), then, perhaps, a Round Robin of short listening/focusing turns — well, really, just Check -In might be sufficient?” , just each person saying a little by way of introduction.

Anyway, someone could organize it FOR A FEE or for fun and run it as a phone free conference call or locally…I know, it might sound crazy, but, really, finding a Focusing-Oriented significant other, when you are Introverted like many of us, can be really difficult —- of course, this model could be developed locally, or regionally (would be ideal to have them in different languages, in different countries). Anyway, this is the seed of an idea.

Also, likely there might be a separate Focusing Gay Singles Network, or maybe address this issue in the introductions? I know for many gays it is difficult to somehow find out who in a group is also gay…a lot of difficult undercover work unless this is addressed directly somehow.

Lori Ketover is also starting to use a Focusing Support Group model to introduce small groups of people to each other by phone in order to find partners for Focusing Partnership through the Focusing Institute Focusing Partnership program — just hearing someone’s voice, seeing how they do listening/focusing, seems to really help some people match up. So, why not extend this idea to more conscious matching up of Focusing Singles?

Otherwise, my best advice to find a Focusing-oriented life-partner is to attend Focusing workshops, conferences, presentations, in your area and internationally, do presentations, participate on e-lists — I started an interesting long-distance relationship when I met someone at a Focusing International in Chicago, and he lived in California, me in Oregon.

Although, I met my present life-partner through the persistent efforts of a friend who was a business professor — and kept introducing me to business professors — and I have taught him Listening/Focusing since we married.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, Harvey Jackins, healing self-esteem, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, RC, RE-EVALUATION CO-COUNSELING, sharing

FROM INCREASED INTIMACY TO INCREASED SEXUALITY

Self-Satisfaction To Equalize Desire

By Kathy McGuire, March 31, 2008 2:31 pm

Setting Up “Dates” To Insure Opportunity

Instant “Ahah!” # 8: “Sharing Your Day” (link to blog with exercise) will increase intimacy, sensuality, the desire for sexual closeness. However, even in the best of relationships, keeping sexuality alive seems to be aided by “making dates,” setting up specific times as protected space for sexual intimacy.

Remember, within a set up time, you can be as spontaneous as you want. Some people may find a certain routine creates a ritual “Sacred Space,” for others it may be important that “anything can happen.” However, once the early romance is over, and especially when jobs and children and chores and TV can gobble up all available time, it is important to set up “dates” (just like when you were first getting to know each other) which guarantee an opportunity for sexual intimacy to arise.

The longer couples go without having sex, the harder it can become to bridge that gap. And having sex really does increase intimacy for some people, rather than the other way around (increased intimacy increasing sexual desire). So, many couples find that aiming for two to three sexual encounters per week, along with daily”Sharing Your Day,” can be optimum for keeping the sexual channel open in the midst of busy lives.

Even including lighting candles, starting music, doing massage to increase sensuality, 45 minutes to an hour can be plenty of time for a wonderful sexual encounter. In the beginning, it may be important to allow more time to take away pressure. But having a wonderful, memorable “date” takes little enough time that couples can make a commitment to fit that time into their schedules.

Erotic Equality: Untangling Sexual Desire

So, one partner might say, “Two to three times a week! But I hardly ever feel like having sex!” and the other might say, “Two or three times a week! That is nowhere near enough times to meet my need!” And upon this difference in sexual desire many relationships have foundered.

Here are some possible solutions. They are based in the ideas of equality and negotiation basic to the entire Creative Edge Focusing model. However, for some people, they may break sexual taboos, so, if you are uncomfortable with these suggestions, feel free to stop reading! These are all links to Dr. McGuire’s blogs:

Erotic Massage To Increase Desire

Learning Self-Satisfaction

Sensitivity To Issues Of Sexual Abuse

Increasing Intimacy With Sexy Board Games

Please read entire blog entries on Conflict Resolution and Relationships in order to place Intimacy and Sensuality/Sexuality within the broader range of self-help skills of Empathic Listening and Intuitive Focusing and Interpersonal Focusing which are taught at Creative Edge Focusing (TM), www.cefocusing.com .

Intimacy comes from clear, open communication, and Listening/Focusing skills allow that communication. See Conscious Relationship Interest Area on the website for a full introduction to Dr. McGuire’s model for The Way of Relationship.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships, sex | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

INSTANT INTIMACY: SHARING YOUR DAY, FINDING YOUR PARTNER FASCINATING!

By Kathy McGuire, March 29, 2008 4:05 pm

Catch up on this cycle: Instant Intimacy Introduction Week One blog

Kathy’s Experiences:

So, this week my husband and I shared every day, using Instant “Ahah!” #8, as we always do. We shared in front of the fireplace, or by candle light, in the hottub, etc. We had a glass of wine, 20-40 minutes usually, shorter when we had spent the day together anyway. One night we had more wine, more conversation, and ended up in passionate love-making (this in addition to our “planned dates” for love making, a concept which I will introduce in next week’s e-newsletter).

Mind you, we have a 17-year old handicapped daughter who needs almost constant supervision. We put her on the treadmill or sat her down with her meal or set up a good movie. We used to do this with two children at home, one a teen with ADHD needing constant homework supervision. We still did it.

My husband gets up at 5:30AM to get my daughter to the bus, commutes an hour to and from a very responsible job, gets home around 5PM, we usually start sharing by 6PM, before dinner. He looks forward to it even more than I. We’ve been doing it for over 10 years (I had been divorced once, he twice. I said, “If we don’t do this, we will likely get divorced. He believed me.)

I know all about his job: the assessment committee he chairs, peer review evaluations, the Faculty Senate, the new dean and new department chair, faculty leaving and being hired, interpersonal dynamics among staff, his own plans for retiring, the courses he designs and runs, his 200 students and how their personal concerns enter into his teaching.

Mind you, he is a professor of business and, when we began, I actually had a prejudice against business, finding it “meaningless.”

I also know a lot about how wood twists if not used right away, why he uses screws instead of nails when making decks, the ins and outs of various light bulb choices, how many trips to the home center it takes to find just the right piece to fix a toilet or dripping sink, etc.

I also know all about the many “bells and whistles” on his new car, his excitement about them, what he is learning from reading the manual, what he learns from reading lots of manuals for cars, boats, computers, etc., which we have. I never read manuals.

Actually, there were years when I thought his day was too boring, that he should be a “deeper person” like me, be doing something more “meaningful.” (He is a Sensor on the MBTI, very tied to present reality through the five senses, an ISTJ Guardian, a Beaver; I am an Intuitive, tied to the sixth sense, an INFJ Idealist, a Dolphin. See Personality Tests at Creative Edge Focusing so you and your partner can take them). Then, I began to tackle my own inferior Sensing, learning how to deal with accomplishing things in reality. As I became more “boring” myself, I gained more respect for his way. And he learns about “intuition” from me.

He reminds me of intimate moments we have had which come back to him. He catches me up on his family in Holland and Oregon, interactions with our daughter’s teachers and other staff. He tells me how beautiful I am. Etc.

Actually, I just thought it would be quite difficult for him or anyone else doing “Sharing Your Day” to be having an affair and not telling, or to be keeping other secrets. We look into each other’s eyes while sharing.

Don’t most affairs happen because the Other Person “listens to me,” “finds me interesting, special,” as well as more sex? Let’s think of “Sharing Your Day,” and the increased intimacy leading to more sexuality it provides, as “Anti-Affair Innoculation”!

I’d be interested to know what my husband would tell you about me from our “Sharing Your Day.”: my night-time dreams, hypochondri -ical body sensitivities, the interpersonal interactions in the 10 organizations I belong to and 10 e-discussion lists, my website marketing learnings and hassles and problems, the battles I am fighting to make the world a better place (there are always several), my worries about our son’s little family, where I went shopping and what I bought, my gardening endeavors, etc., etc.

If you aren’t already, please get to know your significant other in this intimate way. Sensuous and sexual intimacy will follow.

Use what we are learning in the Interpersonal Focusing series in this cycle (see recent blogs under Conflict Resolution), as well as the Complete Focusing Session on Articulating Positive Experiences to help you if you are “stuck.” And Instant “Ahah!” #1 to work on “What is in the way?” in terms of finding a partner or getting your existing relationship back on track.

INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY : The “Sharing Your Day” Exercise Itself

This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.

But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.

Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.

If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a possible first step:

Instant “Ahah!” # 8 :Sharing Your Day : Instant Intimacy

© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com

Time = Love

     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.

     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.

No Problem Solving

     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after. Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.

Intimacy = Sharing

     That’s it!!! You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points. And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.

     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY

Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, March 28, 2008 1:38 pm

Instant “Ahah!” #8: Instant Intimacy: Sharing Your Day

This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.

But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.

Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.

If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a possible first step:

instant “ahah!” 8

Sharing Your Day : Instant Intimacy

© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com

Time = Love

     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.

     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.

No Problem Solving

     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after. Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.

Intimacy = Sharing

     That’s it!!! You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points. And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.

     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

ABUSO VERBAL vs. FOCUSING INTERPERSONAL