CE Focusing Blog

health, relationships, sex | Active Listening, breathing exercise, Gendlin's Focusing, harmonious relationships, intimacy, meditation, self-help skills, sexuality, spirituality, tantra

SEX FOR SENIORS: BETTER SEX FOR A LIFETIME

Complete Focusing Instructions Manual (17 pages)

By Kathy McGuire, November 30, 2008 3:30 pm

Free Downloads:

Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual

“Ajas” Instantaneos Mini-Manual

Okay, believe it our not, I found this in my AARP newsletter: gentle but sexy, educational and fun DVDs especially for those middle-aged and older. Real couples having real sex, overcoming issues of aging, gently introducing postures, fantasy play, G-Spot stimulation, and more to bring the spice into love-making.

You’ll learn, laugh, get turned on, and thoroughly enjoy these gentle videos. Here is the link for the 2-DVD Great Sex For A Lifetime set that makes a great starter, and don’t neglect to click on the “Free Gift With Purchase” link for more freebies to go with your purchase.

Of course, for lasting intimacy, we at Creative Edge Focusing recommend our self-help skills, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening. See our easy Mini-Courses on Conflict Resolution and Intimacy below.

Tell me what you think at cefocusing@gmail.com or comment on this blog below !

Click here to subscribe to our Instant “Ahah!” e-newsletter and get the latest exercises first!!!

Click here for a free Intuitive Focusing Mini-E-course

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website, or download from links at top of this blog.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Best of Everything, relationships, sex | anger management, bargaining in the bedroom, breaking masturbation taboo, conflict resolution, creative edge sexuality, Empathic Listening, equal desire, equality in sex, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, self-satisfaction, sensuality, sex, untangling desire

CREATIVE EDGE SEXUALITY — TANTRIC SEXUALITY

Click here to subscribe to our Instant “Ahah!” e-newsletter and get the latest exercises first!!!

By Kathy McGuire, June 4, 2008 12:56 pm

Sacred Spot Massage Click here for free download of Word article giving explicit information about Tantric Sexuality

TANTRA: THE ART OF CONSCIOUS LOVING”

In ancient India sex was studied as an art form. It was known that sexual energy was a sacrament that, rightly used, would bring great harmony and joy in one’s marriage, so that love would continue to grow over the course of a lifetime, deeply bonding the partners in joyous union.” – Charles and Carolyn Muir

In their book, Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving and the DVD of the same name, Charles and Carolyn Muir (www.sourcetantra.com ), foremost teachers of Tantric Yoga, introduce the sacred sexual acts studied as an art and an expression of spirituality since ancient times. This “art of loving” has been lost to modern day lovers. The Muirs, in passionate and entertaining style re-teach these arts and skills of conscious loving. The DVD includes beautiful New Age art illustrating the yin/yang energy of tantra. This is a gentle introduction with little explicit sexuality.

In another DVD, “Secrets of Female Sexual Ecstasy,” available from Source School of Tantra, the Muirs teach and demonstrate the actual location and massage of the female “sacred spot,” the G-spot, and Sacred Spot orgasm. You will be onsite at one of their workshops on the beautiful beaches of Hawaii. This is very sexually explicit.

You can find these and other resources to purchase at their Store, http://www.tantrastoreonline.com/ For free articles and descriptions of Weekend and Vacation Tantric Yoga workshops, see the website at www.sourcetantra.com

In Creative Edge Sexuality, partners can combine self-help skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, in weekly Focusing Partnership Exchanges as well as right in the moment of sexual experience, for deep exploration of positive and negative experiences related to sexuality and also for the kind of open, respectful communication which creates the relational intimacy which grounds sexuality in Conscious Loving. Please see our Interest Area: Conscious Relationships to explore the Creative Edge Focusing(TM) model, The Way of Relationship.

EDUCATING YOUNG LOVERS and RECOVERING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE

Major problems with sexuality in relationships can happen throughout life. In our culture, young lovers get little education on how to proceed in mutually-satisfying lovemaking and little instruction or permission in the kind of open, honest communication necessary for satisfying sexuality. They simply flounder around for years, hurting each other’s feelings, building up walls of anger, frustration, and humiliation. Many women’s initial sexual experiences, if not in actual childhood sexual abuse through incest, take place in “date rape” situations, with little commitment, communication, or attention to mutual satisfaction. And male children are also often victims of sexual abuse.

In Jean Auel’s Clan of the Cave Bear series, she imagines an Ice-Age culture where the most empathic, sensitive young men are trained in the art of initiating the teenage women into sexual ecstasy. Both men and women enter marriage with knowledge of the skills and arts needed for sexual intimacy and satisfaction. Reading Auel’s descriptions, one hungers for a culture where sexual “secrets” are introduced with respect and sensitivity.

Because of issues of sexual abuse inherent in the concept of “older initiators” into sexual intimacy, such a model is not recommended in our culture. However, one would wish for same-sex explicit classes on sexual satisfaction in schools or, perhaps like Drivers’Education, provided optionally by outside Health Educators.

In Margo Anand’s book, The Art of Sexual Ecstasy, you will find many specific exercises that lovers can do together to heal sexual abuse body-memories, recovering joy and intimacy in their relationship. This may be the best we can do to restore conscious and sensitive attention to our sensuality and sexuality. See also my blog Creative Edge Sexuality: Healing From Sexual Abuse, for many more resources for individuals and couples overcoming sexual abuse histories.

For a Mini-Course on intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality, of which this is the latest addition, look in the sidebar of my blog for the Category: Sex. Open that Category, scroll down to the very bottom blog, the earliest, and work your way up to the most recent ones. You will read about Sharing Your Day as a method for Instant Intimacy, Scheduling “Dates” For Sexual Intimacy, Dealing with Unequal Desire, Becoming Self-Responsible for Satisfaction and Communication, and much more.

You can also find the Mini-Course at www.cefocusing.com , Category Core Concepts, then click “Intimate Relationship.”

LIFE-LONG ORGASMS

And there are particular problems which appear for post-menopausal women and aging men. As women’s hormones decrease, so too does “libido,” sexual desire, disappear, along with the natural lubricants which allow comfortable intercourse. As men age, they may experience increasing difficulty with erection and ejaculation.

Perhaps instead of testosterone for women and medication for men, G-Spot massage for women, and prostate massage for men, with or without vibrators, can be used to create healthful, wavelike, relaxing orgasms throughout the life span. The information in the downloadable article enhances sexual pleasure and orgasm at any age but can be particularly helpful when changes in hormonal levels seem to decrease desire.

To learn the actual location of the G-Spot, and how to stimulate both G-Spot and Prostate to orgasm, and about quality vibrators and lubricants, download the Word file in the link at the top of this page.

Please visit Interest Area: Conscious Relationship for the Creative Edge Focusing^TM full model on how to integrate Listening/Focusing skills into relationships, The Way of Relationship.

Tell me what you think at cefocusing@gmail.com or comment on this blog below !

See blogs under Category: Conflict Resolution in the sidebar to find a complete mini-course on Interpersonal Focusing and Conflict Resolution, including Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Blanchard’s “One Minute Apology,” Patricia Evan’s books on Verbally Abuse and Controlling Relationships, McMahon’s Beyond The Myth Of Dominance, and much more.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

sex | , bargaining in the bedroom, breaking masturbation taboo, Charles Muir, creative edge sexuality, Empathic Listening, equal desire, equality in sex, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, post-menopausal sex, self-satisfaction, sensuality, sex, sex education, Source School of Tantric Yoga, tantric sex, tantric yoga, untangling desire

FROM INCREASED INTIMACY TO INCREASED SEXUALITY

Self-Satisfaction To Equalize Desire

By Kathy McGuire, March 31, 2008 2:31 pm

Setting Up “Dates” To Insure Opportunity

Instant “Ahah!” # 8: “Sharing Your Day” (link to blog with exercise) will increase intimacy, sensuality, the desire for sexual closeness. However, even in the best of relationships, keeping sexuality alive seems to be aided by “making dates,” setting up specific times as protected space for sexual intimacy.

Remember, within a set up time, you can be as spontaneous as you want. Some people may find a certain routine creates a ritual “Sacred Space,” for others it may be important that “anything can happen.” However, once the early romance is over, and especially when jobs and children and chores and TV can gobble up all available time, it is important to set up “dates” (just like when you were first getting to know each other) which guarantee an opportunity for sexual intimacy to arise.

The longer couples go without having sex, the harder it can become to bridge that gap. And having sex really does increase intimacy for some people, rather than the other way around (increased intimacy increasing sexual desire). So, many couples find that aiming for two to three sexual encounters per week, along with daily”Sharing Your Day,” can be optimum for keeping the sexual channel open in the midst of busy lives.

Even including lighting candles, starting music, doing massage to increase sensuality, 45 minutes to an hour can be plenty of time for a wonderful sexual encounter. In the beginning, it may be important to allow more time to take away pressure. But having a wonderful, memorable “date” takes little enough time that couples can make a commitment to fit that time into their schedules.

Erotic Equality: Untangling Sexual Desire

So, one partner might say, “Two to three times a week! But I hardly ever feel like having sex!” and the other might say, “Two or three times a week! That is nowhere near enough times to meet my need!” And upon this difference in sexual desire many relationships have foundered.

Here are some possible solutions. They are based in the ideas of equality and negotiation basic to the entire Creative Edge Focusing model. However, for some people, they may break sexual taboos, so, if you are uncomfortable with these suggestions, feel free to stop reading! These are all links to Dr. McGuire’s blogs:

Erotic Massage To Increase Desire

Learning Self-Satisfaction

Sensitivity To Issues Of Sexual Abuse

Increasing Intimacy With Sexy Board Games

Please read entire blog entries on Conflict Resolution and Relationships in order to place Intimacy and Sensuality/Sexuality within the broader range of self-help skills of Empathic Listening and Intuitive Focusing and Interpersonal Focusing which are taught at Creative Edge Focusing (TM), www.cefocusing.com .

Intimacy comes from clear, open communication, and Listening/Focusing skills allow that communication. See Conscious Relationship Interest Area on the website for a full introduction to Dr. McGuire’s model for The Way of Relationship.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships, sex | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP: CREATING LOVE THROUGH FOCUSING PARTNERSHIPS

By Kathy McGuire, December 14, 2007 2:02 pm

Love Relationships

Perhaps there is no more important place for the use of Empathic Listening and Experiential Focusing skills than in love relationships.

When we “fall in love,” we are drawn to something in the Other that intrigues and fascinates us. Unfortunately, as time goes by, the stresses of day-to-day living and, perhaps, specific areas of conflict with our partner, wear away that romantic, in-love feeling. We can even come to “forget” whatever drew us to this other person in the first place, and our sexual feelings for the other can become submerged as well!!

Exchanging Listening/Focusing Turns with our beloved, significant other can be a way of recovering the feelings of love which initially drew us together. In Listening/Focusing turns, each person can drop the defensive layers that hide the true, inner Self from the other. When that inner Self stands exposed, that vulnerable Inner Child becomes visible, we “fall in love” all over again, remembering who it is that really lives inside of your partner. Then, it becomes much more simple to work out the more superficial, behavior-level problems that irritate or cross us in every day life. Read more about Inner Child Empathy.

Friendships As A Way To Grow

Hopefully, we all have some friends whom we can lean on when things get hard, friends who are good listeners, who just let us have our say and don’t judge or criticize us when we are down. In these times, we don’t really want someone to try to fix us or to give us advice or opinions. We just want them to listen and support us. It is just this non-judgmental listening and total, unconditional acceptance that makes the most solid and fulfilling friendships.

It is just such friends who could form the basis of your own Listening/Focusing Community.

Furthermore, if you have stresses or misunderstandings with any of your friends, you can also use the Listening/Focusing skills to work out these conflicts and end up even closer, using the Interpersonal Focusing method. See Focusing Friendships for more on incorporating Creative Edge Focusing into your friendship network.

From Focusing Class To Focusing Support Group

The other main way of finding a Listening/Focusing Partnership or starting a Listening/Focusing Support Group is to participate in a Listening/Focusing Training Class or Workshop in your area. Then, hopefully, you can carry on in a self-help way with other participants you have met at the workshop, or join an existing Changes Group in your geographical area. Again, go to Free Resources to learn about all the available options. Find additional classes and workshops internationally at www.focusing.org .

Read more about Conscious Relationship, including the First Ten Steps to bring Listening/Focusing into your relationships.

Order our Self-Help Package and join our Creative Edge Practice E-Group for hands-on demonstrations and practice of Listening and Focusing self-help skills.

Subscribe to our Instant “Ahah”s E-Newsletter and immediately download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol), ten self-help practices to add to your life at home and work.

Explore using Interpersonal Focusing sessions by phone with Dr. McGuire to practice listening/focusing in sorting through relationship difficulties.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshopsDr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

Classes and Workshops, community building, conflict resolution, core skills, gender, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, relationships, self-help skills, sex, support groups | Conscious Relationship, Empathic Listening, Focusing, friendship, Gendlin, intimacy, love, relationships, self-help skills, support groups

Interest Area: Conscious Relationships

By Kathy McGuire, December 13, 2007 3:05 pm

The Way of Relationship

Intimate relationships can be seen as a spiritual path, The Way of Relationship. Relationships can be a self-therapy. Relationships will point up your “blind spots” or “shadow sides” more effectively (or shall I say more quickly, anyway!) than psychotherapy.

The Way of Relationship can be practiced between lovers. The experiences of empathy which arise during the exchange of Listening/Focusing turns lead to increased emotional and physical intimacy.

The Way of Relationship can also be practiced between friends or in a spiritual or other community. The experiences of empathy, of individual uniqueness as well as common humanity common in Listening/Focusing Exchanges, can be a spiritual experience of the love called Agape, or Buber’s “I-Thou” vs. “I-It” relationship.

Harville Hendrix’ book, Getting The Love You Want, was an early one stating that it’s okay for your relationship to be “therapy.” We are attracted to people who have the capacity to heal us in some way, to move us on our journey toward wholeness. Hendrix calls it The Imago, a kind of template of the kind of person needed for your healing. Ideally, you will find a person enough like your parent to offer the experiences needed healing but also capable of going through this healing journey with you . At www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com , you will find more books and training programs connecting you to a network of people, through Imago Relationships International, who are committed to conscious relationship.

Gay and Kathleen Hendricks’ book, Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment, namesthe bedrock of good relationship as complete, absolute, and utter honesty at all times. This book and their many other books and workshops through the Hendricks Institute, www.hendricks.com , give many concrete techniques and practices for conscious relationship.

Although there are many wonderful, established programs for Conscious Relationship such as the two above, Intuitive Focusing, as aided by Focused Listening, is the missing link in almost every program, the one thing that is usually not taught but makes all the difference in terms of whether people actually succeed in the programs or not.

Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, used in Focusing Partnerships and Interpersonal Focusing, are the bedrock self-help skills which provide a way through. They help you to stick with it when buttons get pushed. They tell you how to mine the treasure in “confrontations.” These are really confrontations with your own shadow side– the parts of yourself you can’t see – the positive aspects you devalue as well as negative aspects you do not want to accept.

The goal for everyone is “wholeness,” the integration of positive and negative shadow aspects, and we choose friends and partners who will push us toward wholeness.

Read more about Conscious Relationship, including the First Ten Steps to bring Listening/Focusing into your relationships.

Order our Self-Help Package and join our Creative Edge Practice E-Group for hands-on demonstrations and practice of Listening and Focusing self-help skills.

Explore using Interpersonal Focusing sessions by phone with Dr. McGuire to practice listening/focusing in sorting through relationship difficulties.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

community building, conflict resolution, core skills, gender, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, self-help skills, sex, spirituality | conflict resolution, Conscious Loving, conscious relationships, Focusing, Getting The Love You Want, Hendricks, Hendrix, Interpersonal Focusing, intimacy, LISTENING, relationship help, self-help skills, sexuality

Sharing Your Day: Instant Intimacy

By Kathy McGuire, December 2, 2007 2:54 pm

Time = Love

With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members.

At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.

No Problem Solving

And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after. Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.

Intimacy = Sharing

That’s it!!! You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points. And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life, including sexuality between partners and children turning to their parents when needing help.

Find this exercise as #8, p. 27, in the Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol) free download at Creative Edge Focusing website. There, in the sidebar, you can subscribe to our e-newsletter, for weekly advice and e-reminders to try out the exercises.

Need more help getting agreement with your significant other to move into more intimate sharing? You can try Interpersonal Focusing phone sessions with Dr. McGuire or find a Focusing-Oriented Therapist in your area through listings at The Focusing Institute

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

conflict resolution, experiential focusing therapy, LISTENING, self-help skills, sex | , Couples Therapy, Focusing Therapy, Focusing-Oriented Therapy, Interpersonal Focusing, intimacy, sharing

COLLABORATIVE EDGE SEXUALITY

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, November 6, 2007 3:55 am

INCREASING INTIMACY AND NOVELTY WITH SEX GAMES

Please check the archive Category: Sex to catch up on some ground rules and previous suggestions for collaborative edge sexuality, untangling desire, negotiating as equals for mutual satisfaction.

Now, let’s say you are aiming at three dates/week. Perhaps once or twice a month, hopefully you can set aside a longer time, free of children and interruptions, to luxuriate in even more novelty and intimacy.

Sex-y board games, bought at a sex store or, I imagine, online, are one way to “do something different.” The good ones introduce the surprise of novelty, but they also include great “foreplay,” actual question-and-answer games which increase communication and intimacy.

Inexpensive: You can buy “Coupon books” for a few dollars, with coupons your lover can exchange for a massage, a strip tease, a videotaping opportunity, etc., etc.

Medium: The Sex Game

You get a fold-out board which is basically a house plan, with squares labelled Garage, stairwell, front door, living room, bedroom, back door, laundry room, hall, bathroom, kitchen…well, you get the idea. That is novelty.

Then, there is a six-sided die, with the following labels: Solo, 69,Extras, Oral, Massage, Fondle. Then one person rolls a die, asks more specifically if the other would perform a specified act in a certain way, and, within two minutes, receives whatever comes up in the room the die landed on…

More expensive( $25-55) : ForePlay: A Game For Lovers

This is a good example of a sex-y boardgame. There are pieces to move around a board to a goal by rolling dice. When landing on a space, a player draws either a “Key” card or a “Heart” card.

Key cards consist of questions that each lover will answer, just great questions to increase communication and intimacy: “What was your first sexual experience?”,”How would you like to spend a dream weekend?”, “What stategies do you use to overcome jealousy?”, “Are you proud of your partner? Explain how.” You will find yourselves considering and answering questions about each other that have never come up before.

Heart cards are about carrying out specific sexual activities, from “Sit and stare into each others eyes for 5 minutes” to “Massage your lovers feet” to — well, most anything you can imagine. Each lover simply collects Heart cards.

At the end of the game, the winner gets to arrange their Heart cards in the order they would like their lover to carry them out.

Well, since we are talking about equality and collaboration, it certainly would be allowed to then switch roles, and even let the loser have their Heart’s desire.

Three more interesting board games :

Kamasutra: A Game for Lovers on Their Journey to Ecstasy.

In this one, instead of saving “Action Cards” until the end, each space on the game board describes actions to be taken, and cards drawn include more intimate and sexy actions to take, including Position cards –these are saved until the end… Anyone has the right of refusal or renegotiation.

A Lover’s Touch: A Romance Game For Your Body, Mind, Spirit

Much the same as Kamasutra.

Wildly Sexy Dares: The Game of Naughty Adventures For Couples Who Think They’ve Done It All

I’d say this is a game for the more Extroverted among us! Competition is the name of the game, with Daring Adventures carried out throughout the week and throughout the world — in restaurants, stores, at friends’ houses, at the movies.

Players accumulate cards, some to be carried out immediately (each player draws as many stick figures of a couple in different sexual positions as they can– Points to the winner; go through magazines and make a sexy collage, using as many first letters in the alphabet as you can)and some throughout the week (in a restaurant, spill water in your partner’s crotch and then wipe it up; hide a sexy photo of yourself in your partner’s briefcase). Competition and points gathered for a Grand Prize (like a weekend away).

Remember, the every-day ground work for Intimacy/ Sensuality/ Sexuality is laid in the use of the many Listening/Focusing tactics included in the Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (“Ajas Instantaneos” in the Spanish translation) available from Creative Edge Focusing (TM).

You get that as a free download for subscribing to our e-newsletter at www.cefocusing.com , in the sidebar. Or, you can just look it up under Articles in the Free Resources section!

I especially recommend, daily, “Ahah!” #8. Sharing Your Day: Instant Intimacy ; “Ahah!” #3. Passive Listening: Stop Arguments with partners, children, coworkers; “Ahah! #2. Active Listening: Short-circuit angry confrontations.

And, I hope you will choose to learn our core self-help skills, Intuitive Focusing at http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a1.php and Focused Listening at http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a2.php and, perhaps, decide to start your own Listening/Focusing Practice and Support Group using our Self-Help Package (http://www.cefocusing.com/services/5b1.php or to take a class or workshop to learn the Focusing Partnership method (http://www.cefocusing.com/services/5b2.php

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Focusing Inner Child Work With Abused Clients

health, sex | , collaboration, equal sex, health, intimacy, sensuality, sex

COLLABORATIVE EDGE SEXUALITY: HEALING SEXUAL ABUSE

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, October 27, 2007 5:24 pm

FOCUSING INNER CHILD WORK

(download this PDF file to see Dr. McGuire’s approach)

Yes, if we are to work on healthy sexuality, we will have to look at the wide prevalence of sexual abuse, the wounds of which will crop up all around sexuality.

What is the statistic? Is it 1 out of 2 women and 1 out of 3 men report some kind of unwanted touching by age 21? Whatever the factual statistics, the number is huge, huge, enough that everyone needs an awareness of past abuse creeping into present relationships.

Alice Miller, in her books including For Your Own: Hidden Cruelty In Childhood and the Roots of Violence, http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/103-5665581-7820613?initialSearch=1&url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Alice+Miller+For+Your+Own+Good&Go.x=12&Go.y=12, was one of the first to “tear the covers off” the culturally-accepted practices and mythology surrounding the physical and sexual abuse of children.

I have had women tell me laughingly over lunch, “Oh, I even take my showers with my clothes on!” or “I’ve never had an orgasm. It’s fine with me and fine with my husband.”

Equally likely, flashbacks to sexual abuse begin when someone finally finds a loving relationship, enough safety to begin to let down defenses and begin to re-feel — and, bam, memories from the past arise because of this new-found safety.

In this self-help context, I can only issue a warning to be on the lookout for signs and to seek appropriate help. The official “diagnosis” is often Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the same kind of intense “flashbacks” and other anxiety-related symptoms that Vietnam vets called to our attention.

One finding about PTSD from warfare was that soldiers who had already experienced trauma in childhood had an intensified likelihood of PTSD in wartime.

Much research also substantiates that a huge percentage of those in prison, men and women, were victims of childhood physical and sexual abuse.

Intellectual understanding is not sufficient for healing. Nor is it necessary or productive to be “re-traumatized” through the unsafe recall of memories. Therapies are body-centered, helping the client to pay attention to “present bodily experience,” Gendlin”s “felt sensing,” the crux of Focusing. They also use “anchoring” and other techniques to produce a therapeutic setting where memories can be “re-experienced” within a safety that allows for “carrying forward.”

There are also approaches to treatment which emphasize supporting couples working through sexual abuse issues. One such is Laura Davis, Allies In Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child. Read inspiring reviews of this book and the comfort it brings at http://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/customer-reviews/0060968834/ref=cm_cr_acr_dp_top/105-0394208-4450814?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&customer-reviews.start=1&qid=1193519753&sr=1-1#customerReviews

You’ll find more books here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/105-0394208-4450814?initialSearch=1&url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Sexual+Abuse+Couples+Therapy&Go.x=8&Go.y=13

Some therapies that are especially useful in helping people to work through flashbacks and other symptoms, with empathy and support are:

Focusing-Oriented Therapy (FOT): read about Focusing and Trauma at http://www.focusing.org/trauma.html and find additional Certified Professionals who do FOT at http://www.focusing.org/trainers_search.asp

Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing at http://www.traumahealing.com/

Mary Armstrong’s work on Focusing and EMDR at http://www3.sympatico.ca/m.armstrong

Hakomi Body-Centered Therapy: description at http://www.prajna-flowingriver.org/hakomi.htm. Hakomi Institute at www.hakomiinstitute.com and Hakomi Resources at http://www.gregjohanson.net/page.asp?ID=4

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/104-4632231-5920735?initialSearch=1&url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Barbara+Keesling&Go.x=8&Go.y=12

experiential focusing therapy, health, sex | , EMDR, experiential focusing therapy, Focusing, Hakomi, health, inner child work, intimacy, John Bradshaw, LISTENING, Peter Levine, sex, sexual abuse recovery, Somatic Experiencing

COLLABORATIVE EDGE SEXUALITY

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, October 20, 2007 10:45 pm

Untangling Desire : Self-Satisfaction Part

Two Last week, I spoke about allowing one partner to “self-satisfy” without judgment and perhaps even with welcoming as a way of accepting unequal desire.Now I speak about Self-Satisfaction Part Two: taking responsibility for one’s on satisfaction during mutual love-making. You would never arrive at a negotiating table in business without knowing exactly what you want so that you can bargain to get it. Same in the bedroom. No more expectation of “second-guessing,” “mind reading,” disappointment, frustration, anger, performance anxiety. Each person is responsible for knowing what they want and need in terms of sexual satisfaction and how to make it happen. Then, they may communicate with and teach their partner, but they can also take care of their own sexual needs.

Through communication and sharing, you may come to all kinds of mutuality of sexual satisfaction. But that is icing on the cake, not anyone else’s responsibility.

Women, Lonnie Barbach, whose initial book was For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, is a gentle guide to learning how your sexuality works. Her other books include For Each Other and a variety about how to pleasure the other while getting what you need yourself. Here is a link to her many books: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/104-6987695-1101551?initialSearch=1&url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Lonnie+Barbach&Go.x=9&Go.y=12

Men, I will warn that the whole “multiple orgasm” thing should be a choice you make to pursue for your own heightened pleasure, not something you have to do to make adequate love to a woman. Once a woman becomes responsible for understanding her own pleasure, with some erotic massage thrown in for sensuous foreplay, “being able to make love all night” is not necessary.

That said, for men and women as couples, Barbara Keesling is a great author of self-help books, several translated into Spanish as well:

Best female lubricant (odorless, tasteless, silky, long-lasting): Creme de la Femme, Premiere Enterprises, Los Angeles, CA 1-800-776-1889 (keep in the fridge)

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director